


Until We Meet Again [Gerard Way/My Chemical Romance Fanfiction]

by xxShi



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Death, Drug Use, F/M, Mild Language, Non-Explicit Sex, Original Character(s), Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 09:42:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3724156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxShi/pseuds/xxShi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A college art student with the dream of making his band a success meets a high school graduate that wants to study abroad and become a writer. Their paths may lead to different realities but one thing remains. The unusual friendship they quickly develop for each other.</p><p>As their lives go on, they make a pact to always stay in touch, to always be present of each other’s ups and downs, but will they be able to keep that promise? Will their friendship evolve into something else? Will they remain friends no matter what life brings them? Or will their feelings for one another slowly die?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Kids These Days

**Author's Note:**

> I've never posted here before, but this story is being posted on other sites.  
> Hope you all like it, feedback is always welcome!

**June 23rd 1998**  
  
“Finally, I can have a break!” A very relieved Mikey dumped his body next to his brother’s on the sofa. “I thought school would never end.”  
  
Gerard looked at him only for a second, before turning back his attention to the television. “You’ve just graduated from high school, the worst part is about to begin.”  
  
“That’s fine with me, I’m tired of going to school and I don’t want to go to college either way, so…” Mikey sat straight, giving him a serious look.  
  
“Mom said you were going to.”  
  
“No I’m not. This is my life, not mom’s.”  
  
Gerard’s face twisted in laughter. “Keep telling yourself that.”  
  
A loud knock on the door had both staring at it. “Oh great, that's got to be Sam and Jordan!” Mikey walked toward the door, without Gerard’s interest for the strangers who were at the door.  
  
Girl voices and laughter soon filled the doorway. Gerard looked in its direction. _Sam and Jordan were girls._  
  
“Hey, I was talking to you! Don’t you guys see I’m here?”A blonde haired girl stormed into the living room, not seeming to acknowledge Gerard’s presence. “You know, it’s not nice that you guys keep on sucking each other’s faces while I’m trying to have a decent conversation!” She sat on the same sofa Gerard was on.  
  
“Sorry!” Another blonde, but shorter haired girl peeked out the door, before giggling and disappearing again.  
  
“Seriously, one day those two are going to eat one another up, and I mean in the literal way!” The girl rolled her eyes. Gerard didn’t know if she was talking at him. She laughed once she saw the look on his face. He looked at her like if she was the crazy lady that approached strangers on the street. “Sorry about that.” She extended her hand for him to shake. “I’m Jordan Forester. And you must be Mikey’s brother, Gerard, right?”  
  
Gerard simply nodded, still processing everything that had just happened. Since when did Mikey have a girlfriend?  
  
“So your brother tells me that you’re in a band…”  
  
“Kind of, yeah.”  
  
“That’s cool.” She got more comfortable on the sofa. “So tell me, is Mikey in your band as well? Because he keeps telling us that he is, but I don’t believe his ass.”  
  
Gerard chuckled. “We’re just a bunch of guys that like to play together, so I wouldn’t call it a band, but yeah… he is.”  
  
“Nice.” She smiled at him and he returned the smile.  
  
Gerard took a better look at her. Her blonde hair was wavy, like if she kept it braided most of the times. “So you’re from Mikey’s class?” He decided to ask.  
  
“Yeah, me and Samantha.” She nodded without looking at him. She was already interested in what he was watching on television. “You’re in college right? Your brother told us you were studying art.” She looked at him and Gerard nodded. Mikey seemed to be telling his friends at lot of things about him. “That’s interesting.” Jordan continued to stare at the tv. “I love art. I mean, I can’t draw, but I like it.” She giggled and that made him smile.  
  
“Hey, are you guys gonna stay there all day?” Jordan suddenly shouted and Gerard couldn’t help but laugh.  
  
“So they’re dating, huh?”  
  
“Yeah, I guess Mikey found out what girls were meant for and now he doesn’t want anything else.” Both laughed.  
  
“Hey Jordan, we’re going out! I’ll see you later!” Samantha shouted.  
  
“What? Wait! What about -”they heard the door close with a loud bang. “-me?” Her lower lip pouted slightly, while her eyes still stared at the living room entrance, as if still expecting them to come back. “Well, I guess it’s time to go home then.” She got up.  
  
“You can stay if you want to,” Gerard suggested, more out of politeness.  
  
“You’re sweet, but no thank you. It was nice meeting you.” She waved and walked out of the room. “Hey, do you like Iron Maiden?” She suddenly asked him, turning around just as she crossed the doorframe.  
  
“Yeah, they’re one of my favorite bands. Why?”  
  
Jordan leaned against the doorframe. “Well, I bought two tickets for the Virtual XI World Tour and Mikey was supposed to come with me, but now he doesn’t want to go because of Samantha,” she sighed. “It’s not really her type of music and he doesn’t want to go without her.”She rolled her eyes. “So, if you like them maybe you could come with me. I don’t think my parents would let me go on my own, anyway.”  
  
Gerard lifted an eyebrow at her. Was she inviting him to go to a show? Just the two of them? He was practically a stranger to her.  
  
“Have you ever seen them live?” She suddenly asked.  
  
“Yeah, but -”  
  
“Then you must know how amazing they are. The show’s in New York and if I don’t have anyone to go with, then I won’t go at all.” She crossed her arms. “Now, would you do that to someone who has never seen them live?”  
  
Oh, she was good. “I guess not.”  
  
“Great! Thank you for doing this, you won’t regret it.” She winked at him before turning around and leaving. “I’ll see you around!”  
  
**July 7th 1998**  
  
Gerard glanced at the kitchen’s clock before leaving. He didn’t want to be late, but Mikey had decided to start interrogating him before he left.  
  
“Listen, Jordan really wanted to go to the show and you’re not going with her. You’re just lucky I’m going instead of you, or she wouldn’t forgive you for ditching her. Besides it’s Iron Maiden. I would never say no to that.” Gerard turned his back on his brother and left.  
  
He didn’t understand why Mikey had suddenly become all defensive. Was he jealous of them going out together? Since Gerard had met Jordan, they had seen each other a couple more times and Mikey hadn’t cared about it. So why now?  
  
As he reached Jordan’s house Gerard decided not to think about it anymore. She was closing the front door when he stopped the car, wearing her hair in a high ponytail and an Iron Maiden t-shirt which sleeves had been obviously cut off by her.  
  
“Hey!” The way she excitedly waved at him made him smile. “We’re finally going to the show! Woohoo!” She threw her fists in the air before jumping inside his car.  
  
The drive to New York was short, with Jordan making him talk about anything that came up to her mind; from favorite bands and favorite Iron Maiden’s songs, to what he did in college and his hopes for his band.  
  
“Oh come on! I want to hear you sing!” She asked for the third time, now that they were arriving at New York. “What if I sing with you?” She started to the sing one of Misfits’ hits.  
Slowly, Gerard joined her and, without realizing it, soon he was the only one to sing, as Jordan looked at him mesmerized.  
  
“You’re great!” She complimented him and nudged his arm. “I cannot believe I’m friends with someone who’s going to be famous!”  
  
“You don’t know that,” he laughed.  
  
“Oh yes I do. With that voice I’m sure you’ll be famous one day, or my name isn’t Jordan Melody Forester!”  
  
“Melody?” Gerard joked.  
  
“Don’t even start!” She tried to sound serious, but failed miserably.  
  
Gerard shook his head. He had never bonded so quickly with someone else like he had with her. She was fun to be around and with her he found himself laughing most of the times.  
  
“What about you? What do you want to do now that you finished high school?”  
  
“Oh,” she clapped her hands together “I would love to go to London and study there. And I’ve always wanted to become a writer.”  
  
“Really? That sounds amazing.”  
  
“But that will only happen if I get a scholarship, which I applied to but I’m still waiting for the answer.”  
  
“I’m sure you’ll get one.” They smiled at each other.  
  
Once they got to the venue, he could see that she was getting eager. Jordan grabbed him by the arm, her voice now higher as they crossed the street and she talked about how long she had waited for this show.  


 

*******

  
  
Jordan was voiceless. Gerard laughed every time she attempted to talk, owning him a few jabs on his arm. The show had been amazing, with Jordan’s energy infecting him and making him jump and sing as loud as she, but now as he drove back home a feeling of sadness washed over him. He didn’t want to leave her just yet, she had been the best company he had had in months.  
  
“So Jordan, what kind of movies do you like?” He broke the silence.  
  
Jordan coughed before answering. “Almost any kind. But I love horror movies,” she stopped for a while as her voice was failing again. “Oh and the ones about superheroes.” She laughed.  
  
Gerard’s smile grew bigger. He parked the car in front of her house and she stepped outside after saying goodbye.  
  
“Hey, do you wanna go catch a movie one of these days?” He asked just before she closed the door.  
  
“I’d love to, Gerard.”


	2. It's A Promise

**August 4th 1998  
  
** Jordan’s laughter was contagious. She and Gerard stood at the cinema’s entrance, about to leave now that the movie was over.  
  
“I swear I’ve never seen anyone laughing so hard at a horror movie.” He too laughed.  
  
“That’s because it wasn’t scary.” Her laughter slowly faded. “Besides the fact that a lot of people died by the hands of a masked man.”  
  
“Well, obviously you have a better taste in choosing what movies to watch,” he spoke. This was the second time they had gone to the movies together and the first one, the one that Jordan had picked, had been a far better one.  
  
“Oh come on, it’s not your fault.” She placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a little shake. “I always have fun with you, no matter how much the movie sucks.”  
  
They got into Gerard’s car and Jordan sighed after looking at her watch. “Do you wanna go grab something to eat? I don’t really feel like going home yet.”  
  
He started the car. “Sure. I know just the perfect place.”  
  
Jordan hummed to a song Gerard didn’t recognize, as he drove through the city. The night sky was clear, showing a full moon and only a small amount of people walked the streets.  
  
Jordan liked the night time better than the day. She liked the feeling the darkness gave her, filling the city with mystery and magic, how the neon lights danced on the cars’ hoods and how she could watch people without being as noticed as she was during the day light. Like how she watched Gerard now, as he drove to the diner he talked about. His hair was as black as hair could be, somewhat long and all over the place. It made her smile. It gave her the desire to play with it, but she didn’t. It was funny; she knew Mikey for almost two years and yet she had never met Gerard before. Maybe he was just not around during the other times she had gone to their house, but she was happy they had finally met.  
  
Gerard stopped the car and the two got inside the half full diner. A redhead greeted them with a warm smile and told them the specials. Gerard ordered immediately and the waitress left Jordan to pick hers.  
  
“You should choose what I chose, it’s the best one,” Gerard commented and looked at her for a while, seeming to be analyzing her. “I just don’t know if you have the stomach for it.”  
  
Jordan raised an eyebrow. “Why wouldn’t I?”  
  
“It’s probably too much for a girl.”  
  
“Too much for a girl?” She threw a serious face at him. “In case you don't know, I eat a lot.”  
  
“Maybe you eat a lot for a girl, but not a lot like… a lot.”  
  
She answered him with a snort. The waitress carried a plate to their table, placing a massive burger, with probably everything a burger could have in it, in front of him. Jordan’s mouth hung open.  
  
“Are you ready to order?” The smiling waitress asked.  
  
“Sure.” Jordan glanced at Gerard’s smiling face and quickly became serious. “I’ll have what he’s having.”  
  
**September 8th 1998**  
  
“Jordan!” Jordan’s mother shouted from the front yard. She jumped down the stairs and ran outside; squinting at the intense sun once she met her mother.  
  
“Is it…?” She saw the smile on her mother’s face as she nodded and handed her a letter. Jordan opened it slowly, part of her not wanting to know the answer to whether she had gotten a scholarship or not. If she didn’t, her dream would be over.  
  
As her eyes started to scan the letter, a smile on her face was formed, getting bigger with every line she read. “I got it mom! I got a scholarship!” She suddenly squealed, hugging her tightly.  
  
“Congratulations sweetheart, I know you would! Now go call your father before he gets home from work.”  
  
Jordan nodded. “But first I’ve got to go see someone.”  


 

*******

  
  
Mikey heard the door bell ring. He looked at his brother and his brother looked at him, neither of them wanting to go answer the door. The door bell rang once again and neither of them moved from the sofa.  
  
“Hey, Mrs. Way!” They heard once their mother opened the door, after glancing them a threatening look.  
  
“Hi Jordan, how are you? The boys -” she stopped herself once she saw Jordan running past her. Gerard was already behind his mother, his brother following him closely.  
  
She smiled widely, hugging Gerard by his neck and catching him off guard, but slowly returning her embrace. “Look!” She shouted, unfolding a paper that she had kept on her back pocket and that now he saw it was a letter.  
  
He read it quickly. “You got it?!”  
  
“Oh yeah!”  
  
“What did she get?” Mikey asked.  
  
“I got a partial scholarship to go to study in England! I’m going to London!” Jordan jumped up and down.  
  
“Congratulations!” Mrs. Way hugged her and left the room.  
  
“When are you going?” Gerard asked, now that she had calmed herself down and sat on the sofa between the boys.  
  
“In a month or so. I still got so much stuff to do, but hopefully I’ll be ready to go when the semester starts.”  
  
“So you’re really going?” Mikey didn’t seem to be understanding. “You really want to go to London?”  
  
“No, I applied to a scholarship because I was bored! Of course I’m going; actually I can’t wait to go.” She quickly got up and smiled at both boys. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got many things to plan and little time to do it.”  
  
Gerard walked her out of their house. She walked down the first two steps of the porch and stopped. “Are you alright?” She asked him, as she turned around and saw him leaning against the front door.  
  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He forced a smile. “I’m really glad you got that scholarship.”  
  
Jordan thought twice before climbing up the stairs again. She’d been thinking about their relationship for the past two weeks, not knowing what would happen to them if she ended up going to London. She hadn’t talk about it yet because there was still a chance she wouldn’t go, but now that it was real she knew that there was no turning back. She didn’t want to lose him or his friendship.  
  
“Gerard,” she swallowed hard. She didn’t know how to put her feelings into words.  
  
He smiled sweetly at her, placing a strand of her wavy hair behind her ear. “I’ll call you every day. I’ll want to hear everything about your college and about London.”  
  
“Really? Because I’ll want to have someone to blow off some steam with,” both laughed. “And I’ll need you here every time I come home.”  
  
“I’ll always be here for you.”  
  
“Do you promise?”  
  
“I promise.” He pulled her into his embrace. “And I never break a promise.”


	3. Not A Goodbye

**October 10th 1998  
  
** Jordan took in the surroundings. The sound of cars honking and speeding mingled with the rain. The day was cloudy and grey, but nothing could alter her mood.  
  
She dragged her luggage out of the Heathrow airport, with Gerard following her close by and also carrying some of her bags.  
  
“I’m so glad you could come with me,” she couldn’t help but smile at him and at everything around them.  
  
“Well, since your parents couldn’t come with you I was not going to let you come on your own.”  
  
“But you had to skip college.”  
  
Gerard shrugged. “I’m a senior. I can do whatever I want to.”  
  
They took a cab to the hotel where they were going to stay for the night. Gerard would leave in the next afternoon and Jordan hopped that by that time she would have already managed to get a room in one of the college residences. If she didn’t, she would have to search for an apartment and that would cost more money than what she could spend.  
  
“Your stuff is so damn heavy,” Gerard breathed out as they checked into their room with separate beds. Jordan dropped her body on the first bed, deciding that that would be hers, and watched him carry all of her stuff inside. “You didn’t have to bring your whole house with you.”  
  
“Hey, I’m moving here! What would you expect?” Jordan shrugged off her coat.  
  
“I would expect you to help me,” his remark made her laugh.  
  
Almost an hour later, they had left the hotel and headed toward what was going to be now Jordan’s college. The uneasiness deep in her stomach increased once she saw they were getting closer to the campus.  
  
The taxi stopped in front of a two story limestone building, which seemed to extend for the whole street in which the car had stopped. The entrance in from of them showed a sign with the acronym ‘UCL’ meaning that they were in the right place. A mix of anticipation and nervousness flooded her thoughts.  
  
Once they got inside Jordan couldn’t hide her enthusiasm anymore. They were surrounded on all sides by the limestone buildings and ahead of them, there was a large garden area filled with trees, students, benches and bicycles.  
  
“That must be the main building,” she mumbled in an almost imperceptible way, staring at the impressive temple-fronted building, with clear influences of the Roman Empire, in front of them.  
  
She glanced at Gerard, finding him in a state of absolute awe. “This is… so fucking… amazing. You’re going to be living in the middle of these museum-like buildings and all this art, I really do envy you.”  
  
“Well you can come and visit me as many times as you want.” She hugged his arm and pulled him toward the main building.  
  
 ****

*******

  
  
It had been raining all evening, causing Jordan’s plans of spending time exploring the city with Gerard to fall through. Thankfully she had gotten the luck of getting a room, one of the last three that weren’t rented, in one of the residences right in the middle of the campus.  
They now sat at a Starbucks, sheltered from the bad weather outside and warming themselves up with a cup of coffee.  
  
“Are you okay?” Gerard asked to a distracted Jordan. She played with her almost empty cup, mindlessly swirling the black liquid inside of it.  
  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She took the last sip of her coffee. “I’m just tired from the flight. It was a long one.”  
  
The deluge of rain slowed. Streets glistened with rain, raindrops shining on pristine park benches and tree-lined jog paths. Street lamps flickered to life as the night approached.  
  
A sudden weight pressed against her chest. Tomorrow would be the last day she would get to spend with him, at least for a while. If she would have guessed that this would be so hard for her, she probably wouldn’t have accepted the scholarship. But then again, they were just friends; there was no reason for her to give up on her dream just because of him. And she knew she didn’t have to, because he would always be there for her no matter what.  
  
“Maybe we should go back to the hotel.” She suggested and Gerard nodded.  
  
The ride to the hotel was fairly silent. Gerard did most of the talking; something that wasn’t that common and it made him realize that Jordan was not in her normal self. Yet, he did say a word about it. If she didn’t want to talk about it, he was not going to push her. But he had the feeling that what tormented her was the same thing that tormented him, he was just better at hiding his emotions.  
  
“What are you doing?” Jordan asked, now that they were inside their room and she walked out the bathroom wearing her pajama pants and a worn out t-shirt.  
  
“Reading.” Gerard glanced at her as she sat on his bed, next to where his body laid.  
  
“Comic books? Isn’t that for kids?” She laughed. Jordan knew how much he loved comic books, but she loved to tease him about it.  
  
“Whatever, I’m not forcing you to read it.” He pushed himself away from her and closed the comic book.  
  
“Hey, come on! Let me see what that’s about.” She nudged him so that he could make room for her to lie next to him on his bed, both sharing the comics.  
  
Not even ten minutes later, they were both asleep, with Gerard making the comics issue his pillow and Jordan’s, his arm.  
  
 ****

*******

  
  
Gerard woke up with the sunlight hitting his eyes. He looked to his side, not finding Jordan next to him, or in her bed. Rubbing his eyes vigorously, he sat in his bed and got ready to stand up when something suddenly grabbed his ankle.  
  
“What the fuck?!” He screamed, stumbling into the empty bed in front of him. Laughter emerged from under his bed.  
  
“Jordan!” He couldn’t help but laugh once he saw her slide from underneath the bed. “You scared the living shit out of me!”  
  
“Sorry, I couldn’t help it. You’re a heavy sleeper and I was bored.” She snickered.  
  
Gerard shook his head, now sitting on her bed. “What time is it?”  
  
“We still have a couple of hours and it’s time to leave, but we should get ready and find a nice place to get some breakfast.”  
  
 ****

*******

  
  
Breakfast had been cheerful; given the fact that it would be the last time they would see each other until Christmas. Jordan tried to focus on the pancakes they had eaten, jokingly criticizing how British couldn’t make them like the Americans.  
  
“They tasted pretty good to me,” Gerard mumbled when they got into the taxi.  
  
“Not as good as the ones I do,” Jordan shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips. “You’ve got to try mines one of these days.”  
  
They arrived at the airport sooner than they expected, and hoped. The crowds of people made conversation for them quite hard so, after doing his flight check-in, they strode to one of the many cafes inside the airport.  
  
“This seems weird,” Jordan laughed, a hint of nervousness hidden behind it. “You’re leaving and I’m not. I’m going to be here on my own.”  
  
“You’ll be fine.” He leaned on the table, shortening the distance between them. “This is what you wanted.”  
  
“I know.” She stared directly into his hazel eyes. They were lighter today, making them almost as green as hers.  
  
Jordan put her hair in a ponytail, using the elastic band she always used on her wrist. Gerard smiled. He liked how she looked when she used her hair up, revealing her high cheekbones and making her big eyes stand out.  
  
“What?” She asked, amused by the expression on his face.  
  
“Nothing.” He glanced at one of the many clocks on the airport. His darks brows lifted. “I think I should get going.” He got up and she mimicked him. “I guess this a goodbye, then.”  
  
“Oh come on, it’s not a goodbye,” she kept her tone gentle. “It’s a see you later.”


	4. Homesick

**December 20th 1998  
  
** Jordan scouted the arrivals’ area for her parents. The cold feeling on her stomach made her smile and her smile grew bigger once she saw them.  
  
“Mom, dad!” She walked in their direction as fast as she could, dragging all her luggage along with her.  
  
They exchanged hugs, their voices laced with excitement for her arrival, flooding her with questions and news.  
  
“We’ve decided to have Christmas in our house this year,” her father stated, freeing her hands from the heavy luggage.  
  
“We figured you would want to stay home and spend some time with your friends… and Gerard.” The way her mother lifted her brows at her, the edge of her mouth curling into a smirk, made Jordan uncomfortable. It almost looked like she was insinuating that she and Gerard were more than friends.  
  
“Thanks mom,” she replied anyway.  
  
The drive home was filled with conversation. She looked at her watch once her father parked the car in the driveway, knowing that Gerard wouldn’t get home from college until a couple of hours later. After two months of phone calls, all she wanted was just to see him.  
  
Jordan was unpacking her things when she heard the doorbell ring from her bedroom. Her mother was about to answer the door, but the loud stomps of Jordan’s feet running down the stairs made her smile and retreat to the kitchen.  
  
“Gee!” She threw herself again him once the door was open, her hair colliding with his face and making him close his eyes.  
  
“Hey Jo.” He smoothed her hair away from his face. Jordan smiled against his neck. She liked the nicknames that had given each other. Gee and Jo. They looked cute together.  
  
“Come on in,” She gestured him and closed the door behind them. “So how have things been around here?” Jordan asked as they went upstairs to her bedroom.  
  
“Oh you know… the same boring usual.” Gerard stopped at her bedroom door, his eyes widening at the abnormal mess her bedroom had turned into. “What the hell happened in here?”  
  
Jordan laughed. “I was just finishing unpacking.”  
  
Gerard had to jump through articles of clothing, books, makeup and other items so that he could reach her bed and sit on the edge of it.  
  
“And how’s Mikey?” She grabbed a pile of clothes and stuffed them into a drawer. “Is he still dating Sam?”  
  
“Huh, no. They broke up shortly after she went to college.”  
  
“Oh that’s… I didn’t know that.” She had been neglecting her friend ever since she’d gone away. “I guess I should call her.”  
  
“How about you?” Gerard watched her disappear with a pile of dirty clothing, only to return a second later.  
  
“We talk on the phone pretty much every day, Gee. You already know what I’ve been doing in London.” Jordan picked pile of books from the ground and dropped them on the desk with a loud thud. “Oh, I’ve been looking for jobs, as you know, and I’ll probably start working when I get back to London.”  
  
“Just make sure you don’t overwhelm yourself with too much stuff.” He stared at another pile of books she placed on her desk. “You seem like you already have your hands full just with college.”  
  
“I know, but I really need to help my parents. The partial scholarship only pays for my tuition fees; I need to help them with the other expenses.”  
  
He nodded. His fingers fidgeted on his knee as he watched Jordan walk from one side of her room to the other. “Hey Jordan, listen,” he started.  
  
“Yeah?” Jordan stopped and blew her hair from her face.  
  
Gerard got up. “A few friends of mine are throwing a new year’s party, nothing fancy, but I thought that maybe you would like to come with me.” He didn’t know why he was feeling nervous for inviting her, it’s not like it would be the first time they would go on a date. Wait. Did he just say date? Were the other times dates? They were just friends and they were just having fun, so that wouldn’t be a date, right?  
  
He stuffed his hands inside his pockets, waiting for an answer.  
  
“Sounds like fun!” She flashed him a smile, quickly returning to the task of tidying up her bedroom.  
  
 **December 31st 1998**  
  
“Hey Mikey boy!” Jordan hugged him once he opened the door. “Are you ladies ready for the party?” She did a silly pose and waved at Gerard once he appeared behind his brother. She had parked her car in front of their house and the three of them left for the party in Gerard’s car.  
  
The drive was longer than she thought it would, as they ended up leaving Belleville and driving into Jersey City. A few minutes later they stopped in front of a bigger than usual house, with a perfectly landscaped garden and an already long row of cars in front of it.  
  
“Whose house is this?” Jordan asked, but Mikey simply shrugged.  
  
“We don’t know,” Gerard spoke like it was the most natural thing to say. “You know how this works; a friend invites some friends, who end up inviting other friends and so on.”  
  
“I see…” Something in her mind told her that they pretty much crashing into that party.  
  
The faint sound of music could be heard once they stepped out of the car, but there was no one outside. Gerard fixed his jacket and simply opened the front door, being greeted by the loud music, the chatter and noises of a full house and the warmth that came from inside of it.  
  
Mikey waved at some guys, quickly disappearing from their sight and Gerard gestured Jordan to follow him, as he mingled with the people at the party.  
  
“Matt’s here.” Gerard looked past Jordan, toward the other end of the crowded room, as he handed her a drink. “I want you to meet him.”  
  
“Hey, Matt!” He called. A dark haired guy quickly turned around, waving at him once he realized who had called him.  
  
Gerard introduced them to each other, once Matt approached them. He had already talked about him on several occasions; Jordan already knew that he was the drummer of a local band, which made her even happier to meet him.  
  
A couple of hours and a few drinks later, Jordan had gotten used to that environment, now engaging conversation with several people Gerard had introduced her to. As midnight approached, the house seemed to get more and more crowded.  
  
“I’m going outside for some air!” Jordan had to scream for Gerard to hear her. He nodded and followed her.  
  
“Sweet, a pool. Your friend should have invited us during summer.” Jordan closed her jacket tighter against her body, the cold air making her breathe out smoke as she talked.  
  
They sat on a bench that was too cold for her liking, since she was wearing a short dress, but she didn’t complain. She missed spending time alone with Gerard. London was a place she was supposed to love, but while she had been there all she had thought about was home, and how much she had loved the summer they had spend together.  
  
She leaned her head against his shoulder, sharing the silence in comfort, but soon the fireworks started. A wave of screams and cheers and even louder music came from inside the house.  
  
“Oh, I guess it’s already midnight!” Jordan quickly lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at him, her dark red lips showing a wide smile. “Happy New Year, Gee!”  
  
“Happy New Year, Jo.” He couldn’t stop staring into her eyes. They were so green and full of life, shinning as the fireworks decorated the sky. He didn’t think about what he was doing, but suddenly, he placed a hand on each side of her face and kissed her lips. And without even realizing it, Jordan was kissing him back. But then she did.  
  
She quickly opened her eyes and broke from the kiss, a frown now on her lips. She could see the confusion sweep his features and then the guilt in his eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry.” He released a sigh, pushing his hair away from his face. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”  
  
But it had. “No, I’m the one who should be sorry.” This was all her fault. She liked him; they shared a connection she had never shared with anyone else before, but nothing more than friendship could come from their relationship.  
  
She had promised herself that nothing would come between her and her future in London, her future career as a writer and her plans to move permanently there. She had never told anyone about it, not even Gerard, but she intended to keep on living in England even after graduating from college.  
  
So how could something more than friendship ever work between them? They would have the ocean separating them, and just like she was not willing on quitting her dreams, she didn’t want him to give up from his as well.  
  
“I shouldn’t have lead you on. "Jordan stared at her feet.  
  
“No, it’s not your fault.” He rested his hand on her knee. The concerned look on her face made him regret that action. “Seriously, I don’t know what happened. I get it, we’re friends.” He forced a smile, but she didn’t look at him.  
  
“Can we go home now?” She got up and so did he.  
  
“Of course we can.”


	5. Fake It Until You Make It

February 24th 1999

That noise. The first thing Jordan heard every day was that noise, that dissonant alarm clock, pushing her out of bed. Instinctively, her hand pressed the snooze button, not even caring to open her eyes. She just wanted stay in the comfort of her dreams.

A ring came from her nightstand a few minutes later.

“Hello?” Her voice sounded groggy and was barely inaudible.

“Hey Jordan, guess what? You’ve got to wake up.” Her eyes fluttered open once she heard Gerard’s voice on the other side of the phone.

“I know…” She exhaled deeply. She felt like she hadn’t slept at all, like her body had just been laid on her soft mattress five minutes before the alarm went off.

“What are you doing?” She closed her eyes once again. Having classes all day and working all night was slowly killing her.

“Me? I’m going to sleep now.”

“This is not fair…” She whined. “You’re going to bed and I have to get up.”

“That’s because here it’s five hours earlier then there. Come on, you asked me to phone you so you wouldn’t fall asleep like yesterday.”

She glanced at her alarm clock. It was almost seven in the morning and she had classes at eight. Besides, the first course was Criticism, the same one she had missed yesterday, so she couldn’t miss it again. “Okay, I’m up.”

“No, you’re not.”

“How do you know that?”

Gerard laughed. “Because your voice sounds as if you are falling asleep.”

“Oh, you’re so funny,” she scoffed. She got up slowly and stretched her arms. “Okay, now I’m up. Thanks for waking me up.”

“Anytime.”

Jordan hung up, taking another deep sigh. Ever since the kiss had happened, she had tried hard to distance herself from Gerard, but even if they were in different continents, she couldn’t. It was hard to resist the urge of calling him every day, to talk to him for hours and she relied on him for everything. Even for waking up.

Jordan looked around her still dark room, hoping to find the books she needed for the morning classes. She was too tired to clean up that place, or to even think about doing it.

It was five minutes before eight when Jordan arrived at the lecture hall, peeking through the door before entering and smiling once she recognized one of the girls inside.

“Well, good morning Jordan.” A brunette with chin-length hair smiled as Jordan sat next to her.

“Hi Amy.” She tried to sound as cheerful as her.

Amy was about to speak when the professor, a woman in her late thirties, walked in and instantly began to speak.

Jordan started to take a few notes, her mind quickly drifting off to the last time she had seen Gerard.

They had never shared another word about the New Year’s night. They didn’t need to. It was simple; it had been something done without thinking, in the spur of the moment. Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling something between them had changed.

Jordan felt a presence next to her and, looking up, she saw Johanna, a girl with freckles and one year older than she.

“You’re late,” Jordan calmly stated.

“Well, you look like crap,” Johanna bit back.

“Thank you,” she mouthed, not really bothered by her observation. It was true, she had been feeling and looking terrible lately.

Class almost made Jordan fall asleep twice, if it wasn’t for Johanna soft nudges. The two girls she was in between found it amusing, but she didn’t. She cursed internally for having decided to take the late shift last night at the diner she worked part-time. Today’s classes were going to be painful.

After leaving the lecture hall, Jordan and Johanna walked to the room where they would have their next class, while Amy went to meet her boyfriend.

A tall guy stood by the room’s door, his light brown hair hitting his eyes as he watched the two girls arrive.

“Logan!” The girls greeted him with a smile.

“Ladies.” His smile had a hint of seduction as he gestured them to walk into the room first.

Tutorial classes were more dynamic than lectures. Students were allowed to talk and debate with each other and having Logan by Jordan’s side, talking with his charming accent, was enough to make her not want to fall asleep.

“By the way Jordan, I’ve wanted to ask you something for a while now,” he started once the professor addressed to the class, making everyone turn their attention to him.

Jordan’s eyes darted in his direction, in a sign she was listening.

“I was thinking that maybe… maybe we could, huh, go out one of these days.”

“As in a date?” Her eyes were back on the professor.

“Huh, yes.”

Jordan felt a tug in her heart. Logan was a nice guy, she enjoyed his company, but there was something that made her doubt if she really wanted to go out with him. And she knew that it was Gerard.

She gave Logan as small smile, his dark eyes still analyzing her and waiting for an answer. Maybe she just needed to have a good time with someone else other than Gerard. Maybe she needed this to forget what had happened between them.

She finally nodded. “Yeah… That would be nice.”

March 18th 1999

Johanna watched their professor intently. Jordan couldn’t understand how she found his lectures so interesting, she tried, but she always ended up scribbling or making some silly drawings.

“So how was your date with Logan last weekend?” Johanna spoke for the first since the lecture had started, but her eyes still didn’t leave the professor.

Jordan shrugged. “It was fine. He took me to a nice restaurant.”

“Fine?” Johanna’s eyes finally moved to meet Jordan’s. “It’s the second time you’ve went out on a date with him and that’s how you describe it?”

She shrugged again.

“He’s head over heels for you, girl.”

Jordan giggled, but Johanna’s face didn’t show any hint of amusement. “I’m serious, Jordan. I hope you don’t break his heart, because he doesn’t deserve to.” She decided to turn her attention back to their professor, leaving Jordan with a question on her mind.

Did she like Logan the way he liked her? Or, more importantly, was she willing to like him the way he did?

The rest of the lecture passed by in silence. Both girls walked to the main hall and then out of the large limestone building, meeting Amy and his boyfriend just as they were about to enter it.

“Hey, I was looking for you!” Amy shouted and waved at them. “We’re going to a party tonight; I wanted you two to come with us. It will be fun!”

Johanna nodded enthusiastically, but Jordan didn’t budge.

“I’m not sure I can, I’ve got the night shift today at work.”

“Oh come on Jordan, I’m sure you can call in sick or something.” Amy winked at her.

“I don’t know. Why don’t we go to a party tomorrow? I only work afternoons on weekends.”

“Because weekday parties are a lot more fun.” Amy laughed. “Just take a day off or call in sick. I know Logan’s going to be there.” She winked.

 

***

 

As always, Amy was right. The party was a huge success, the house was crowded and she was really decided to have fun. Then why did she keep on glancing at her cell phone?

Logan waved at her from afar. She waved back and nodded once he pointed at one of the beers stuffed inside a bucket of ice. She smiled once he handed her the beer.

They had been talking for the last hour, sitting in a corner of a crowded room, having to lean against each other in order to understand the words they spoke, when Jordan’s cell phone started to ring.

“I’m sorry, I have to take this call,” she mumbled quickly before jumping out of her seat and heading to the outside of the house.

“Gerard.” She smiled at the phone.

“Hey Jordan, how are you doing?”

“Great, I’m actually at a party.” She laughed. “I decided not to go work tonight.”

Gerard laughed too. “I think you should do that more often.” His tone quickly changed to a more sober one. “You work too hard.”

“I have to.”

“I know, but sometimes it looks like it’s all you do. You should ditch work more often.”

“Yes, daddy.” She teased, only realizing the double meaning of what she had said when she heard his gruff laughter. A hand raised to cover her mouth, the awkwardness she felt making her look from side to side, as if he was there in front of her and she was trying to avoid her look. Thankfully he wasn’t there, or else he would have seen the flustered look on her face.

Jordan’s eyes widened when she saw Logan walk through the sliding door and approaching her, a sweet smile plastered on his face. “Well, I’ve got to… I need -”

“Of course, have fun.” His voice still showed some amusement, which only made Jordan’s cheeks turn into a darker shade of red.

She hung up without another word and shoved her cell phone on her back pocket.

“Is everything okay?” Logan asked, his eyebrows furrowing. He had obviously noticed the uncomfortable look on her face.

“Yes, yes, everything’s fine. I was just talking to a friend.” She smiled. “One of the few I still keep in touch back in New Jersey.”

Logan smiled, taking slow steps in her direction. “I thought you had decided to leave the party.”

“Why would I?”

“Maybe you had gotten tired of me.”

Jordan placed a strand of her long hair behind her ear. “That’s impossible.”

He closed the distance between them, his seductive smile making her heart beat a little faster. “Is that your way of saying that you like me?”

She looked up into his eyes. “Maybe.”

His fingers entwined in her hair, pushing her face closer to his and finally kissing her smiling lips.

Jordan wrapped her arms around his neck. For the first time she didn’t think about Gerard.


	6. One Weekend - Part One

**July 22nd 1999  
  
** Jordan spun around, dirty dishes piled up on her arms, as she tried to make her way into the kitchen.  
  
Summer vacations had begun a week ago and there was Jordan, in London and working, instead of being home. She had tried hard to get the money to go home, but in the end all her hard work hadn’t been enough.  
  
She fixed her ponytail and took a deep breath, shouting the orders she had taken into the big kitchen.  
  
She wished she could be on a flight to New York in this moment, but sometimes reality sucked. And that was something Gerard didn’t quite understand. Why was it so hard for him to understand that the money she had made wasn’t enough to pay for all of her expenses and still buy a ticket home? They were pretty expensive, especially during summer vacations.  
  
She smiled at a couple who had just arrived, before handing them the menus.  
  
But he wasn’t the only reason why she was feeling upset. She had started dating Logan almost four months ago and still she had chosen not to tell Gerard. She didn’t know why, she liked Logan, he made her happy, wouldn’t Gerard like to know it?  
  
In the back of her mind, she knew he wouldn’t. And in the back of her mind, she knew that the real reason why she hadn’t told him about Logan was because it felt like cheating. It felt like she was cheating on him, when both knew they were just friends.  
  
Jordan walked to the bathroom. She didn’t want to feel this way. She didn’t want to feel like Gerard was the only reason for her bad mood today, but it was.  
  
Two minutes later she walked out of the ladies’ restroom, being stopped by Andrew, the manager, who had a solemn look on his face.  
  
“There’s someone here to see you,” he mumbled, his lips barely moving. Jordan frowned at him. She knew how much he hated for employees to talk with non clients during expedient hours.  
  
“I’m sorry.” She showed him the best apologetic smile she had, before walking away from him.  
  
She didn’t know who could possibly be looking for her, Johanna and Amy didn’t know where she worked and Logan was not in London today.  
  
Her eyes quickly widened when they landed on the restaurant entrance. If she had been carrying anything, she would have probably dropped it.  
  
“Gerard?” She hesitated, starting to wonder if she was experiencing some kind of hallucination. How was it possible for him to be in front of her when he was supposed to be at work in New York?  
  
“Hi Jordan.” He simply smiled.  
  
 _Okay, this is clearly not a hallucination_ , she thought while sweeping the room with her eyes. Some people stared at them. _Hallucinations aren’t acknowledged by other people._  
  
“What the -” She glanced back at the costumers. She wasn’t supposed to swear in front of them.  
  
Jordan frowned, taking long steps to quickly close the distance between her and Gerard. He was about to speak and she shoved him outside, closing the red door behind them.  
  
“I thought you’d be happy to see me.” The confusion was clear in his face.  
  
Jordan shook her head. “I am, I just… how… what are you doing here?” She finally smiled. This was just crazy.  
  
“Can I get a hug first?” He opened his arms and she quickly stepped into his embrace. She buried her face in his hair, which was now longer than the last time they had seen each other, almost reaching his shoulders.  
  
“So?” She placed her hands on her hips after breaking from his hug.  
  
“Well, since you weren’t coming home for vacations I’ve decided to bring the vacations to you.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You heard me; I’m going to take you out for the weekend. We can go any place you want.”  
  
“What? Come on Gee, you know I can’t afford to do something like that, if I did I would -”  
  
“I’m paying,” he cut her off. “For everything and anything you want.” His cheeky smile made her cross her arms.  
  
“I can’t let you do that.”  
  
“Of course you can. Look, my flight is not until Sunday evening and I’ve already rented a car.” He pointed at the black car at the end of the street. “You’ll have to stick with me until the end of the weekend anyway.”  
  
“What about my job? It’s Friday, I still have to finish my shift.” She looked at her watch and grunted. “And I work on Saturdays as well.”  
  
Gerard covered her shoulders with his hands. “I’m sure you can find a way to miss work.” He winked at her and then pointed inside the restaurant. “Just go talk to your boss; I’ll be waiting in the car.”  
  
“Are you serious?” She still couldn’t believe that was really happening.  
  
“More than ever.” He opened the restaurant door for her. “Now hurry up.”  
  
Ten minutes later she was back. Gerard watched her jog towards the car and then climb inside of it.  
  
“Okay.” Her pale cheeks were slightly pink and she looked at him with a playful smile. “I had to pretend that I was about throw up in front of my boss, but I got the rest of the day and tomorrow off.”  
  
“That’s my girl.” He winked at her before turning the car engine on.  
  
The drive back to campus hadn’t taken long. Jordan tried to pack everything she could remember into her suitcase, excitement coursing through her veins.  
  
She still couldn’t believe he was there. He had taken time off from his new job in New York just to be with here, in London, with her.  
  
Gerard had thought about everything, too. He had found out her work address, he had rented a car and he had bought a map so that she could choose their weekend destination. She ended up suggesting Brighton, Jordan had heard about it before; it was quite popular during summer and not too far from London.  
  
The sun would set in a couple of hours when they reached the coastal city. After driving for a while, Gerard parked the car in second line and turned the engine off.  
  
“Stay with the car, I’m going to find us a place to stay.” She nodded and watched him leave.  
The city was full of people roaming the streets, colorful vintage shops and cafes in every corner.  
  
“I found a nice hotel,” Gerard started when he got back. “The only problem is that they only have one room available.”  
  
“Oh… is it a twin room?”  
  
“No.” His lips formed a thin line. “Double room.”  
  
Jordan thought about it for a few seconds. Did she really want to share a bed with him? “Well, I guess we don’t have another option.” She finally smiled.  
  
After leaving their luggage inside the room, Gerard and Jordan were back on the busy streets, exploring the city.  
  
“Looks like we’ve got plenty to do at night,” Jordan commented was they walked by trendy bars and clubs, mingled with stylish restaurants. Brighton had a bohemian, artistic and eccentric atmosphere that they both had been enjoying.  
  
“Oh, we need to buy this.” Jordan grabbed a disposable camera from one of the many street shops, paying the young man in front of them. “Come on Gerard, smile.” She faced him, ready to take a photo.  
  
“That’s not smiling!” Jordan laughed at his stupid looking, overly sized smile. “That’s being creepy.”  
  
“Could you please take a picture of us?” She approached a man who was walking past them and he nodded gently.  
  
“For when you’re famous.” She hugged him by his waist while he laid his arm around her shoulders. “So I can tell people I shared a bed with you.”  
  
“What?!” Gerard laughed hard as the camera went off.  
  
 ****

*******

  
  
“Come on, just one more and we’ll leave.” Gerard pushed the shot glass in Jordan’s direction and drank his own without another word. The night was no longer young, but the bar in which they had finally decided to stop was still crowded.  
  
“I’ve already drank too much, I don’t want to drink this.” Jordan shook her head, her vision starting to get a bit blurry.  
  
“Come oooon…” he slurred, shaking her arm and almost making the translucent liquid inside the small glass spill.  
  
They had drunk a lot and although she had lost track of how many drinks she had had, she knew Gerard had drunk twice as much as her. At least.  
  
She closed her eyes, a smile never leaving her lips as the heat from the alcohol made her cheeks flush. “Let’s just go back to the hotel, okay?” She got up, proving that it had been too fast, and making the world around her spin.  
  
Gerard laughed. He downed down her shot and got up, only to sit back again. “No. Nope. No. Imma stay here.”  
  
Jordan’s eyes followed the female bartender as she approached their table and placed another two shots on top of it. “No, no more shots. We’re leaving.”  
  
Before the bartender could say anything, Gerard snatched the two shots from the wooden tabletop, spilling half of it in the process, and drank them.  
  
Jordan snorted, searching her pockets for money to pay the drinks, before looking at the bartender with the most serious expression she could muster in her half drunken estate. “No more drinks.”  
  
“Come on, we’re too drunk to stay here,” she huffed and tried to pull him out of the chair.  
She walked him out of the bar, finding hard to keep a steady pace as she tried to deal with her own dizziness.  
  
“Shh… Jordan can’t find out,” he mumbled when she could no longer support him and had ended up sitting him on the sidewalk. His index finger stood shoved against his thin lips, his eyes closed for a long moment. When he finally opened them, there was surprise in his eyes. “Oh Jordan, you’re here!”  
  
Jordan laughed. “Gerard, sweetie, you’re wasted. Let’s go.”  
  
"I’m as sober as ‘m gonna get. And there’s nothing I - wait wait wait - nothing _you_ can do ‘bout it.” He tried to get up on his own, without succeeding.  
  
After almost twenty minutes of walking, or better saying, of dragging Gerard, they finally reached the hotel.  
  
“Oh boy, you’re heavy.” She had to release him for a while when they reached the front desk.  
  
He stumbled forward, grabbing a stone pillar for support. He clung there, slack-jawed and slumped over, while Jordan gathered the energy to drag him to the elevator a few feet away.  
  
“Do you need help?” The woman at the front desk with Asiatic features asked, lifting an eyebrow.  
  
“Everything’s fine.” Jordan half smiled, half frowned.  
  
The glance the woman gave Gerard had a tinge of repugnance. “Are you sure? I could get a room just for you. The hotel is half empty.”  
  
Jordan glanced at Gerard, then at her, and then back at him before addressing to the lady again. “But…” Her lips slowly revealed a smile as she realized what Gerard had done. “No thanks.”


	7. One Weekend - Part Two

The elevator ride had been a fun one. At least for Gerard, who laughed as hard as he could, while Jordan dragged him through the metallic doors and prayed that no one would complain about the noise he made.  
  
“Please, Gerard!” She hissed. “Can’t you just stay still for a minute while I open the door?”  
  
His smile was the silliest. “Well, since you said please.” He laughed quietly this time.  
  
Jordan huffed while trying to find the keycard. Her mind was clouded and everything she did seemed to be in slow motion and she couldn’t find the keycard inside her bag.  
  
“You look so cute when you’re upset.” Gerard leaned against the light brown wall and looked at her through half closed eyes.  
  
Jordan’s hand stopped the search inside of her bag, but she didn’t look at him. She didn’t want to feel embarrassed or feel the heat rising up to her cheeks, but it happened. Maybe it was the alcohol.  
  
Her eyes closed for a moment. Her head was spinning as she tried to remember where she had placed their room’s keycard. And Gerard’s proximity to her body didn’t help.  
  
That’s when she remembered. “You have the keycard,” she exclaimed, immediately looking down at his jeans and stuffing her right hand deep into his pocket.  
  
“Easy there, girl.” He grabbed her arms, his tone implying something naughty that he was dying to share.  
  
She pulled her hand out of his pocket, her fingers holding the white card. “I was just looking for this.” The hot pink that covered her cheeks didn’t have the same opinion as her.  
  
“You look cute when you blush, too.” He leaned slightly toward her. She could smell the tequila shots in his breath.  
  
Their gazes locked. She wasn’t sure who moved forward first, she only knew that suddenly he was holding her by her neck, closing the remaining space between the two of them. His eyes were already closed when his mouth dropped to hers.  
  
She fumbled to bring the keycard against the keycard lock, not wanting to open her eyes or breaking the kiss. If she did maybe she would regret herself from doing this, and right now she didn’t want to.  
  
His kiss felt like coming home. It was familiar, welcoming and yet fueling a fire that burned hot inside of her. The bedroom door opened was quickly as it closed. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her fingers in his long hair, letting her body slump against the white door.  
  
In some distant part of her brain, a voice told her that what she was doing was wrong. She had a boyfriend. Logan didn’t deserve this.  
  
She parted her lips when his tongue dipped into her mouth, distracting her momentarily from her thoughts. She made an attempt to push him forward, but because of his drunk self, Gerard stumbled backwards and fell on the floor, pulling her along with him.  
  
Jordan laughed softly when her body collided with his, the sound turning into a moan when he rolled her into her back and started a trail of kisses down her neck. Her blood raced faster. Her thoughts no longer controlled her.  
  
She pulled his shirt off in one movement. His gaze met hers. Bright fire danced in his dilated pupils. Gerard grabbed the hem of her top and she helped him remove it.  
  
She felt a tinge of responsibility, a contradiction of thoughts, as his mouth travelled down her chest. She tried to close her eyes and stop herself from thinking. But that wasn’t working out anymore.  
  
“Stop,” Jordan murmured, still unsure of what to say afterwards.  
  
“What?” The intoxicated look on his face only made her more certain of how wrongly they were acting.  
  
“I need a minute.” Jordan smiled, trying to sound as calm and collected as possible.  
  
She forced herself not to run to the bathroom, slowly opening and then closing its door. Once she was inside the gray tiled room, her knees faltered. She slid against the door, sitting on the floor with her hands holding her head.  
  
That was not what it was supposed to have happened. She liked think that she planned everything she did, that that was the way she could control her own life. And this hadn’t been planned.  
  
She got up and walked until she was able to see herself in the mirror, her palms against the cold sink countertop. She looked like a mess, with her blonde hair threatening to get free from her ponytail and her eyeliner no longer being in her eyes, and she sure felt like one.  
  
Of course she liked Gerard, but now she had Logan. She was not the type of woman to cheat on a boyfriend, but wasn’t that what she had just done?  
  
“What have I done?” She whispered to herself, glancing from her face down to her chest, where a trail of pink marks descended from her neck to her purple bra.  
  
She closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths before facing what was now the only possible outcome. She had to tell him the truth. She had to tell him that she had a boyfriend and that what they had done on the bedroom floor hadn’t meant a thing. They were both drunk.  
  
A laugh of despair was muffled by the hand that covered her face. How silly was she going to sound, if she said that alcohol was the only thing to blame? And the boyfriend excuse wasn’t any better, she hadn’t told him earlier because she didn’t want to.  
  
Because she didn’t want him to find out.  
  
“Okay, you can do this.” She faced the door and reminded herself to be the strong and assertive person she always achieved to be.  
  
The door swung open and her eyes landed on the floor, where she expected to find Gerard, but where he no longer was. His body lay now on the bed, his stomach against the still made bed and still wearing his jeans.  
  
“Gerard?” Jordan spoke softly, walking to his side of the bed. His hair fell across his face and covered his eyes. “Gee?” She spoke louder, giving him a small shake on his arm that dangled out of the bed. He didn’t move, only a slight snore now filling the silence. Was he really sleeping? Jordan wanted to laugh. Or cry. Or maybe both.  
  
She closed her eyes and rubbed her face, trying to think clearly. This was probably for the best, that way there was a chance he wouldn’t remember a thing in the morning.  
  
Jordan changed into her t-shirt and shorts and pulled the bedspread without even making him move. Her eyes stared at his raven hair when her head touched the pillow, turning the bedside light off a few seconds later. That was going to be a tough night.


	8. One Weekend - Part Three

The light that bathed the hotel room made Gerard drift out of his sleep. Suddenly England seemed a country with more sun than usual, as the intense sunshine made him blink his eyes several times before he could keep them open for a while.  
  
He sat on the bed. A nasty headache hit him at the base of his skull, spreading up to his forehead. He rubbed his temples with his fingertips. _Fuck, had I been drinking again?_  
  
He looked around, finding out that he was alone. “Jordan?” Gerard called out, his voice hoarse and his throat dry. Muffled sounds came from the bathroom and the door was opened.  
  
“Oh, you’re awake,” Jordan mumbled, her eyes instantly casting down at the floor.  
  
“Why did I sleep in my jeans?” He looked at his legs and then back at her, who was still wearing the shorts and t-shirt she had slept in.  
  
“Because you fell asleep before taking them off.” She looked back at him, showing a small smile. “You were not in a decent shape last night.”  
  
She was testing the waters with him. She needed to know if he remembered anything of what had happened, without giving too much away.  
  
By the look on his face, Gerard didn’t. His lips were forming a thin line, his brows furrowed as he tried to remember last night’s events.  
  
“It’s alright.” Jordan shrugged. “If you want to know, you didn’t make an ass of yourself.” There was no need for him to know any embarrassing details.  
  
“Are you hungry?” She asked, leaning against the door jamb.  
  
His stomach twisted at the thought of it. “Not really.”  
Gerard got up, but the nauseating feeling only got worse. He raised his hand to his mouth, sprinting past Jordan and closing the door on her face before she could speak.  
  
“Gee?” Her face frowned at the sound of him throwing up, her fingers touching the wood paneled door. The toilet was flushed and a second later water started to run. Jordan opened the door, glancing inside before entering. “Are you okay?”  
  
“I’m fine.” He splashed his face with cold water. _Nothing I hadn’t endured before._  
  
Jordan walked past him and turned the shower on. “Hop in, I’ll go get dressed and find us some coffee.” She left him alone inside the bathroom.  
  
It was just a matter of minutes until he heard the bedroom door open and then the lock click closed. He finally allowed his eyes to drift to the mirror in front of him, cringing at his reflection.  
  
His skin was almost white; the bags under his eyes letting anybody know that his night had been a complete hell. His brain still tried to rake for some answers from the previous night, only to reach a moment where everything had gone blank.  
  
He combed his fingers through his hair, a twinge of regret nagging him. He still couldn’t believe he had gotten that careless around Jordan.  
  
Wind was blowing hard when Jordan stepped out of the small hotel. Although it was summer, that coastal city didn’t offer the heat she was used to receive from the ones in America. The sun was shining effusively, but the intense breeze stole away the warm sensation it could provide her body.  
  
She walked for a few minutes, wandering the already crowded streets, looking for a coffee shop while most people were already having lunch.  
  
Last night events played on her mind over and over again, even without her wanting to, because, no matter how hard she tried, whenever she found herself distracted, they jumped right back into her mind.  
  
The coffee shop doorbell jingled when she entered. Several people glanced at her and the freckled waitress smiled. Jordan smiled back. Yes, she really needed to tell him about Logan.  
  
Gerard heard the room’s door open just moments after he stepped out of the shower. When he opened the door, Jordan’s back was facing him, her originally straightened hair now all disheveled and back to its wavy shape.  
  
“Windy day, huh?”  
  
Jordan nodded and laughed, combing her long hair with both hands, but when she turned to face him, her mouth closed shut.  
  
Gerard faced her sideways, using a towel around his waist as the only thing to cover him, while drying his hair with another. And just like that, bam, a flash of what they had done last night slapped her in the face. _Oh great, Gerard, just great. Thank you for reminding me of what we did last night without even knowing it._  
  
“Coffee.” She managed to say, pointing at the two travel cups resting on the table, after turning her back on him again and pretending to busy herself with her shoes.  
  
She only realized she’d been holding her breath when Gerard disappeared into the bathroom, a lungful of hair escaping her lips as soon as the door closed. Now, doubts assaulted her again. Maybe she didn’t need to tell him she had a boyfriend. For him, everything was the same it had always been.  
  
Her lips scrunched up in discontent. But not to her. Suddenly pressure existed where there’d been none before and she couldn’t live with herself that way.  
  
 ****

*******

  
  
They spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other’s presence, knowing that it was going to be a long time before they could ever do such a thing again. Gerard talked about the job he had gotten now that he had finished college, about an idea he had for a song and how he and Matt had been working on it, but Jordan couldn’t really focus on anything of what he said. Her only concern was how he would react to what she wanted to tell him.  
  
The sun had already set down when they decided to pick a restaurant to have dinner. Jordan decided to wait until they were halfway through their meal to interrupt him.  
  
“Gee.” She heard herself saying and he looked at her. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.” Okay, no turning back now.  
  
Gerard gave her a look that said he was listening. She drummed her fingers on her thigh and chewed her lip. Seconds ticked. It almost seemed like she had dipped into another world.  
  
“What’s wrong?” He finally asked.  
  
“Nothing.” She forced a smile. All that hesitation only made what she had to tell him sound a lot heavier than it really was. “Nothing’s wrong, actually everything’s great.” What was the point of delaying it anymore? “I wanted to tell you that I, I -” What was the best word for it? “I’ve been seeing someone, I’ve been dating -” Ah heck, let’s just use them all. “I have a boyfriend.”  
  
She looked down at her plate and then back at him, waiting for his reaction. But his reaction was not what she had expected, because there was none at all. He stared blankly at her and she wondered if he had listened at all.  
  
“So?” She asked, trying to sound cheerful. In the end, she was sharing good news with a friend. Right? “Aren’t you going to say anything?”  
  
“That’s great.” His expression was unreadable.  
  
He proceeded to chow down the food on his plate without sharing another word. Jordan stared at hers, a deep sense of shame washing over her.


	9. Words Unspoken

**September 24th 1999  
  
** “Hey.” Jordan smiled faintly as Logan met her outside of her workplace. She had gotten the last shift, so she and another girl she worked with had been the last ones to leave the diner, having to clean everything up for the next morning.  
  
“Bye Jasmine.” She waved at the slightly older girl as she waved back and walked up the street.  
  
Logan leaned forward to kiss Jordan, but she grunted, pretending to be fixing the hem of her t-shirt in order to move her face away from his.  
  
“Is everything alright?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah.” She sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping. “I’m just tired, that’s all.” She rubbed the back of her neck with her hand.  
  
Two months had passed since she had last seen Gerard. Since she had revealed to him that she had a boyfriend, when that subject had been brought up for the first time, and last.  
If there was anything he wanted to tell her about it, he didn’t. But, although Jordan wasn’t happy with the way they had left things when Gerard left England, she didn’t dwell on it either.  
  
What made her worry came later. The feeling of guilt that endured, when his phone calls decreased from daily to weekly, the way her brain never ceased to think about him, and how she had ended up avoiding Logan for the past few days, made Jordan realize she could no longer pretend to herself that what she felt for Gerard was just friendship.  
  
And that was why now, as she stood in front of her boyfriend and he gave her a confused look, she decided that it was time to be honest with him. And herself.  
  
“We should talk, Logan”. She looked at him straight in the eye, not wanting to let any of her uncertainties shine through.  
  
Logan’s reaction, however, was not the one that she expected. He looked at her, and rather than looking confused, worried, or even afraid, he simply smiled.  
  
“This is about Gerard, isn’t it?” There was almost a hint of amusement in his voice. Instead, Jordan was the one to look confused, catching a strand of her hair that kept on hitting her face and placing it behind her ear.  
  
“What are you talking about?”  
  
The boy stuffed his hands on his jeans pockets, the amusement on his face replaced by some sadness. “Part of me always kept saying to myself that you just liked him as a friend, that he was your best friend and you were far away from each other, so it was natural for you to miss him.”  
  
“What do you mean? I do miss him, but we’re just friends.”  
  
“You never really noticed it, Jordan?” There was that half smile, half frown again. “You should really listen to yourself when you speak, because most of the time all you speak about is him.” He waited for her to say something, but when she didn’t, her eyes simply moving from his face to the concrete sidewalk, he kept on talking. “Look, I understand. I already knew what I was getting into when we starting dating,” he sighed, running his fingers through his hair to keep it away from his eyes. “But honestly, I thought that maybe I could, I don’t know, not replace him, but make you happy too.”  
  
“I’m sorry.” That was all she managed to say.  
  
This was supposed to have been more difficult. She should have had to explain him that things weren’t working out between them, that it was not his fault, because she was the one who hadn’t been honest with him. This should have been harder to explain and therefore, easier to deal with.  
  
Logan’s shoulder touched hers, making her stare at the sad smile on his face. “I just hope he realizes how lucky he is to have someone like you, Jordan.”  
  
 **December 22nd 1999**  
  
Jordan couldn’t be more excited to arrive home. She was finally on vacation, she had missed her parents and she was finally going to see Gerard. The familiar tingle on her stomach was even stronger. Although the long distance conversations between Gerard and her hadn’t been the same since July, he had still offered himself to pick her up at the airport when they had last talked, a few days ago.  
  
Her green eyes searched for his face, wearing a smile on her face which she struggled not to widen excessively. She had tried to call him the minute she had landed, but he hadn’t answered it.  
  
She glanced at her cell phone and decided to try again. Still, there was no answer. She sighed and decided to wait at the airport entrance.  
  
It had almost been an hour and she saw a familiar car arriving at the airport’s pick-up lane. But it wasn’t Gerard’s.  
  
“I’m sorry I’m late.” Mikey stopped the car and went around it to meet her. Jordan blinked several times as she tried to process what had just happened. Why was he here?  
  
“Where’s Gerard?”  
  
“He couldn’t come, so he asked me to. Didn’t he tell you?” He shrugged, after hugging her and grabbing one of her bags.  
  
“No.” She raised an eyebrow, taking the passenger seat.  
  
She watched his face harden. “Oh, I see.”  
  
“What happened?” Jordan stared at Mikey’s face, but the boy avoided any eye contact. “I wasn’t able to talk to him today; he doesn’t answer my phone calls.”  
  
“When was the last time you two talked?” He asked and she frowned at his question.  
  
“A few days ago, maybe three of four, I don’t know. Why? Is something wrong?” The question had sent her on edge.  
  
“No, everything’s fine.” He smiled although his eyes showed a different emotion. They telegraphed disappointment.  
  
“Why didn’t he come to pick me up?” She insisted once again, as they got closer to her neighborhood.  
  
Mikey didn’t open his mouth. He played with the radio, trying to find something else other than news or old songs.  
  
“Mikey!” She suddenly snapped and turned the radio off. “Are you listening to me?” She glanced ahead as the car turned left. Her house was just down the street.  
  
“I don’t know, okay?” He almost yelled, letting go a sigh as he stopped the car in front of her house. “I’ll tell him you want to talk to him, alright?” He unbuckled his belt to go help her with her luggage. She didn’t budge for her seat. “What now?”  
  
“I’m not going home until I talk to him.” She crossed her arms against her black winter coat.  
  
Mikey glanced at Jordan’s house; hoping one of her parents would appear. Nothing happened. “Look, he’s not probably even home yet.”  
  
“Then I’ll wait for him.” Her stance didn’t change.  
  
He let out a desperate sigh. “Why are you being so stubborn about this? Why do you want to see him so badly?”  
  
“Why don’t you want me to talk to your brother? Is there anything wrong about me wanting an explanation for what happened today?”  
  
There was another sigh, followed by the sound of the car engine being turned on.  
  
“Thank you!” She breathed out, letting her back fall against the car seat as it started to move.  
  
A few minutes later they strode to the front porch of their parents house. As Mikey opened the front door, silence welcomed them in.  
  
“Your parents aren’t home?” Jordan asked.  
  
“Dad’s still at work and mom probably went to the grocery store.” He said after closing the door and looking around.  
  
Jordan nodded, taking a seat at the family’s room sofa and starting to fiddle with the television remote. She’d been inside that house so many times that she almost acted like if it was her own.  
  
“Listen Jordan,” Mikey started after a while of watching tv next to her in silence. “I know you’re upset with my brother, but he’s a good guy. He just has some issues.”  
  
“What are you talking about?” Her eyes moved from the screen and narrowed at him.  
  
“He’s, huh, it’s complicated.” His eyes moved from the floor, to the tv and back to the floor, trying to avoid her gaze.  
  
Jordan turned the television off. “What is complicated? Why are you being all secretive today? What the hell is going on?”  
  
The sound of keys fumbling against the door lock made her stop talking. She got up, with Mikey mimicking her, her lips tightening as she walked to the front door. She heard Gerard’s voice and then an unfamiliar one.  
  
“Wait, Jordan,” Mikey murmured, but the look on her face when she turned to face the front door made him stop.  
  
“Hi Gerard.” She stared at him at then at the source of the unfamiliar voice. There was a girl next to him, smiling brightly and staring back at her with big blue eyes.  
  
“Hi Jordan.” He stared back. There was no welcoming smiles, no hugs, no exchanging of any others words. They just stared at each other and neither of them moved, like if there was a wall between them.  
  
“You’re Jordan?” The brunette asked, her smile faltering for a second before widening again. “I’ve heard so much about you!” Jordan’s eyes narrowed, only to widen once the girl took a step toward her and hugged her. “I’m Katherine. I’m Gerard’s girlfriend.”  
  
Jordan didn’t want to have the reaction she had, but she couldn’t help it, so she laughed. Hard. The girl gave her a confused look and Gerard frowned. Even Mikey was probably shocked by her reaction, but Jordan couldn’t really tell since her back was facing him.  
  
“I’m sorry.” She finally managed to say, covering her mouth with one hand to muffle the chuckles. So that’s what it was all about. That was why he hadn’t picked her up at the airport, and why Mikey didn’t want for her to wait for Gerard.  
  
“Well, it’s nice to meet you Katherine.” Her tone tried to sound as less sarcastic as possible, but Gerard caught it.  
  
“So, how’s Logan?” It was his time to speak. Jordan’s eyes darted from the slightly shorter girl in front of her to him; a wide grin matching the one Gerard showed her. So this was how he wanted to play? Well, two could play that game.  
  
“Logan? Oh well, we’re not dating anymore.” She was ready to wipe the smug look from his face. “I guess he was not the one I was in love with.”


	10. No Feelings

**December 31st 1999  
  
** Jordan leaned against the kitchen island, wiping her hands with the dishcloth after having helped her mother washing the dishes.  
  
“Shouldn’t you be getting ready for a party?” Her mother tilted her head at her after removing the apron.  
  
On the day Jordan had come back from London, her conversation with Gerard had been cut short by her mother’s worried phone call, asking why she was taking so long to come home. She hadn’t wanted to leave at the time; she had wanted to face him and spit nasty words at him, but now that her rage had dissipated, she was glad she didn’t. It would have only humiliated her.  
  
Jordan looked at the kitchen wall clock. “I still don’t know if I’m going.”  
  
She hadn’t spoken to Gerard since then, but Mikey had been at her house a few days ago, inviting her to join them at the same New Year’s party they had gone last year. She laughed when she asked if he already knew who the house belonged to and he once again he had simply shrugged.  
  
She wouldn’t have hesitated in going, if it wasn’t for the way things were between her and Gerard. She was not in the mood to pretend that everything was okay, or to ignore him while he enjoyed the party with his beautiful, new girlfriend of his. If she decided to go, she wasn’t sure how much she would endure before snapping at him, or at Mikey, or at someone else who hadn’t had any fault in this, and she didn’t want that.  
  
 ****

*******

  
  
She arrived at the familiar house almost an hour after the time Mikey had told her. A long line of cars was already parked in front of it, like it had happened last year, and the garden was still perfectly landscaped, but this time covered by snow.  
  
She fixed her new dress - one that she had bought in London a few weeks ago - for the third time before reaching the front door, regretting having bought it in the first place. It was not a comfortable one.  
  
She stopped in front of the white door and thought about knocking, but decided to just walk in. Unfamiliar faces glanced at her, as the warmth that was felt inside the house spread through her cold body.  
  
Jordan glanced around, her eyes searching for Mikey and when they didn’t see him, she found herself searching for any other person she might know, Gerard included.  
  
“You’re late.” She felt someone touch her shoulder and smiled before turning around.  
  
“I didn’t know this was some sort of appointment.” She watched Mikey smile and hand her a drink. She gladly took it, drinking almost half of the glass’s content in one gulp.  
  
“What?” She shot up an inquisitive eyebrow when Mikey frowned at her. “I’m just thirsty.”  
  
“I just don’t want you to be like my brother.”  
  
Jordan’s expression became a serious one. “What?”  
  
“Never mind.” He raised a hand and turned around, starting to walk away.  
  
“No, tell me.” She grabbed his arm, making him face her again. “Is there something wrong with Gerard?” She suddenly realized that all his worry toward her when she had arrived a few days ago might not have been just about his new girlfriend.  
  
There was a moment of silence between them, his eyes showing an emotion she couldn’t quite figure out. It almost looked like he was begging her to read his mind, to understand what he wanted to tell her without having to say it, but a second later it was gone.  
  
“I didn’t mean anything by that, just forget it.”  
  
However, Jordan refused to do it. She gave him a stern look, her lips about to form some kind of strongly worded disapproval, when both heard someone yell his name.  
  
There was an instant glimpse of relief on Mikey’s face before he smiled at the person behind Jordan, making her turn around.  
  
The tall guy with short, but very curly hair caught her attention with his big smile.  
  
“Jordan, this is Ray,” Mikey introduced him. She remembered Gerard talking about him, he was the guitarist that had been playing and working on a few songs’ ideas with them.  
  
“So you’re Jordan? I’ve heard a lot about you.”  
  
She gave him a short nod, smiling at the idea of Gerard and Mikey talking about her to their other friends. “Only good things, I hope.”  
  
“Don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me.” The teasing wink made her laugh.  
  
They talked for a while, but only after a few moments, Jordan was no longer paying attention to their conversation. As she examined the room, which was significantly less crowded than last year, she was unable to prevent her eyes from landing on Katherine. She talked to two girls, but Gerard was nowhere to be found.  
  
One of them must have asked her something, because when she glanced back at Mikey and Ray they were both looking at her with questioning expressions.  
  
“Sorry, what?”  
  
“I was asking if Gerard showed you the demo we’ve been working on.” Ray gave her a charming smile.  
  
Jordan shook her head, her eyes wandering around the room again. “By the way, I should go find him,” she spoke before Ray could and excused herself away from them.  
  
Her previous talk with Mikey had been enough to make her put her pride away and want to talk to Gerard. She needed to find out what had been happening while she was gone, she always thought he would talk to her about anything, but clearly that was not the case, since something was definitely wrong and she didn’t know. Maybe they weren’t as good of friends as she thought.  
  
She walked across the room and toward the kitchen, being pulled by her arm just as she was about to enter it. For a second she thought it was Gerard, but her face frowned slightly when she faced Mikey.  
  
“I need to find your brother,” she repeated herself, pulling her arm free.  
  
“Listen, I get that you’re upset because of her girlfriend, I know -”  
  
“What?” She interrupted him, her head shaking lightly. “This is not what this is about. I couldn’t care less about her.” It wasn’t the truth, but it wasn’t necessarily a lie either. She’d been mad at him for that, and most of all for being a selfish bastard since the moment she’d told him about Logan, but now worry surpassed all the other feelings.  
  
Jordan narrowed her eyes at him, not enjoying the concerned look he was giving her. “Look, me and Gerard, we’re just friends. That’s the only thing we’ll ever be.” The last thing she wanted anyone to feel for her was pity. “I just need to talk to him, there are things that need to be sorted out and obviously he’s not man enough to do it.” She pushed the door open and disappeared into the kitchen.  
  
Just as the door closed behind her, Jordan caught a glimpse of Gerard’s messy black hair exiting through the kitchen sliding door. She followed him outside, taking hesitant steps as she crossed the door and slid it closed behind him.  
  
Her brows furrowed at the sight of him, an unlit cigarette placed between his thin lips as he tried to flick the lighter to life in the midst of the winter wind. Since when had he started to smoke? He only seemed to acknowledge her presence after taking a long drag of his cigarette, the smoke mingling with the hot breath that left Jordan’s lips and into the cold air.  
  
“Hi.” Gerard was the first one to speak. He kept staring ahead of them, not bothering to make eye contact with her. His whole demeanor had changed, Jordan suddenly realized, and the wall was back between them.  
  
“Hey.” She glanced down at her booted feet. “I’ve met Ray. He seemed really cool.” Her eyes moved up to the same spot Gerard stared, like something special was about to happen at the very end of that backyard. “And so did Katherine.”  
  
“So that’s what this is all about.” He blew out a lungful of smoke, his eyes finally moving to meet her. It hadn’t taken long for her to get to the point, he thought.  
  
Her whole body turned to face him. “I’m not here to talk about her. This is about you.” She folded her arms, clutching them tightly to her chest. “I’m worried about you, and I thought you knew you could talk to me about anything.”  
  
“Oh, right.” He let out a contemptuous laughter. “So I’ve got a girlfriend and suddenly there’s something wrong with me?”  
  
“What?” Jordan was open-mouthed, but that didn’t stop him for continuing.  
  
“Tell me then, what the hell was wrong with you when you started dating Logan?” His jaw was tight as the words were spat out of his mouth.  
  
“So, this is how you want? Fine, then you can tell me why you have been acting like a jerk since summer, since the day I’ve told you about him!” The forced civility between them had disappeared in a flash. “I was not the one to suddenly act like five-year old.”  
  
His hazel eyes flashed annoyance. “I don’t care about who you date or not. I’m not one of your _girl_ friends who relishes on knowing about your love life. You could fuck half of your college, I wouldn’t care less.”  
  
Jordan couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. She took a deep breath, holding the air in her mouth like if she was going to dive underwater and closing the distance between them, before she could raise her hand back and slap him hard on his face.  
  
The sound of skin contacting skin echoed off the backyard, the pain that now throbbed from her palm to her fingers probably not as bad as the one the red mark on his cheek had caused. Yet he didn’t move, or said a word, his mind probably still processing what she had just done to him.  
  
“Wait.” He held out his hand, when she turned to leave, determined to go home. It almost looked like he wanted to apologize. But she didn’t face him and so he didn’t speak another word, his hand dropping to his side as she disappeared into the house.


	11. Pretending

**January 3rd 2000  
  
** Gerard leaned against the kitchen’s island, already finishing his breakfast when his brother joined him.  
  
No words were exchanged as Gerard’s feet shuffled from the island to the sink and then toward the kitchen’s door. He stopped before reaching it, turning to the fridge and opening only enough to get a bottle from its inside.  
  
A vodka bottle.  
  
Mikey’s brows furrowed. “Shouldn’t you be at work?” He decided to ignore the fact that it was only a few minutes past ten in the morning and Gerard was already about to start his drinking routine.  
  
“I took the day off.” He shrugged, casually waving with the transparent bottle on his hand.  
  
“Aren’t you going to talk to Jordan? She leaves tomorrow.”  
  
Judging by the way Jordan had stormed out of the house and the chain of swear words Gerard had muttered under his breath, he knew things hadn’t ended up well between them back at the New Year’s party. But he knew Gerard wouldn’t want her to be mad at him, so it was only a matter of time until he apologized to her.  
  
He stopped at the door. Mikey knew that that question would make him get his attention, and possibly make him think twice before drinking today. Gerard placed the half empty bottle on the counter before finally disappearing from the kitchen, something that resembled to a smug look plastered on Mikey’s face. He never drank when he knew he was going to see Jordan.  
  
“You should talk to her about your problem,” Mikey spoke as soon as his brother reappeared from his bedroom, now fully dressed and ready to leave the house. There was no question he was going to meet Jordan, and Mikey felt somewhat relieved for that.  
  
“What problem?” Gerard blinked at him, trying to act clueless, but his brother could already see the tension brewing bellow his calm features.  
  
Mikey’s eyes darted to the bottle that still rested on the counter and then back at him.  
  
“I don’t have a problem.” Gerard grabbed the car keys, shoving them into his dark jacket.  
  
Mikey sighed. “I thought you and Jordan were close friends.”  
  
“We are.” He could feel Gerard’s impatience grow by the second.  
  
“Then if you don’t want to talk to me about it, why don’t you talk to her?”  
  
“About what?” He still acted clueless.  
  
“About your problem.”  
  
“I don’t have a fucking problem!” Gerard suddenly yelled, his fist colliding with the granite counter and making the vodka bottle wobble. Without giving his brother a chance to speak, he turned around and stormed to the front door.  
  
Mikey frowned at the loud sound of the door being closed. Gerard had a drinking problem; there was no other way of putting it. But what Mikey didn’t understand was the reason why. What had happened that made him suddenly need alcohol so badly?  
  
He sat on the sofa, his right hand messing up his already messy hair. The tv was turned on, his eyes following the images on it, but without paying attention to them as he tried to recall the first time he had seen his brother act differently. His mind immediately jumped to the night of his birthday and the way he had gotten wasted. At the time Mikey hadn’t made a big deal of it, people get drunk hard when they party hard, but ever since that night, Gerard’s “partying” began to occur every weekend. Now that he thought deeper into it, his drinking had only escalated into happening almost every day, during summer, a few days after he had gotten back from visiting Jordan in London. Why?  
  
And then there was Katherine. He didn’t knew much about her, expect that one day he had never heard a thing about her and then the next day she was his brother’s girlfriend. Mikey never really got the chance to talk to her that much either, he only seemed to see her when they were about to leave the house or at mutual’s friend party. But what he knew was that she didn’t care about his brother’s reckless drinking behavior. As a matter of fact, she only seemed amplify that side of him.  
  
Mikey decided to turn the tv off, resigning himself to do something productive instead.  
  
 ****

*******

  
  
Jordan smiled at the mug in front of her, her hands covering it whole as an attempt to provide them some warmth. Her mother was still by the stove, finishing the last set of pancakes while her father joined her side with a mug full of coffee.  
  
On a regular day, back in London, Jordan would be drinking coffee too, but today she wanted to get a taste of her childhood memories by drinking a big mug of hot chocolate.  
  
Her mother placed a plate of pancakes in front of her, earning a smile. Jordan watched the syrup slide down the warm pancakes, her mouth getting ready to finally taste them, when the knock on the front door made her fork stop its course halfway.  
  
“I’ll go get it,” Jordan spoke, her lips pursing with discontent as she already guessed who was at the other side of it.  
  
She grabbed her big coat from the wall hanger, bracing herself for the outside cold before opening the door.  
  
“Hi Gerard.” She closed her coat tightly against her body, covering the blue pajamas partially. Her eyes showed no sign of surprise upon seeing his face.  
  
“Hi.” His eyes trailed off from her to the not fully opened door she was leaning against, her hand probably still clutching the door knob and ready to close it on his face if the conversation went sour. “Can we talk?”  
  
Jordan decided to take one step forward, closing the door behind her. “Sure.”  
  
Suddenly, Jordan’s front door mat seemed much more interesting that the actual conversation they were about to have, but she waited for him to speak, knowing he was struggling to find the right words to say.  
  
“I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I was such an asshole.” He looked up to meet her eyes but found her staring down the road.  
  
“No,” Jordan said, obviously meaning yes. In her mind, she wanted to scream at him, but most of all she wanted to ask him why. Why had he reacted the way he had when she had told him about Logan, why had he started ignoring her more and more? Why? Why was he dating Katherine and why did Mikey sound so worried about him? Why?  
  
“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I… I had no right to say those things.” He bowed his head again.  
  
“It’s okay.” Jordan sniffled, the cold weather starting to get to her nose. She didn’t want to start another argument before going back to London. That would only leave them in the same situation they were before she got home.  
  
There was a moment of silence, and she suddenly felt an intense need to fill it. She opened her mouth, gaping like a fish out of water, but no words came from it.  
  
“So you’re leaving tomorrow?” Gerard was the one to break the silence.  
  
“Yes, first thing in the morning.” She shifted the weight of her body from one foot to the other.  
  
“And how’s work? You said you wanted to find a better paying one.”  
  
Jordan raised her eyebrows in an almost imperceptible way, a twinge of annoyance stinging her. “I’ve already found another job. I’ll be starting it next week.” She had already told him that on their phone conversations. Twice.  
  
Gerard smiled and nodded, not seeming to realize her hardened demeanor. But she was going to go back to London next morning, so she pretended that it didn’t bother her and smiled back.  
  
The cold air was starting to make her shiver and only now she realized he was too. “Do you want to come in?” She didn’t want to sound rude by sending him away.  
  
Gerard took a while to react, but finally shook his head. “I actually got some things to do… I’ve got to go meet Katherine.” She watched him run his fingers through his long hair, something he did whenever he felt uneasy.  
  
“Oh, okay.” Jordan tried to, once again, pretend that it didn’t bother her. “Well, it was nice meeting her the other day, tell her I said hi.”  
  
“I will.” Gerard nodded. Both smiled. But neither believed the other.


	12. Crushed Hopes

**July 3rd 2000  
  
** Six. That was the exact number of months it had passed since she’d last seen Gerard, and that was the exact number of phone calls she’d exchanged with him. He had promised to call her every day. It should have been 182 calls.  
  
And that was why now, as her mother picked her up from the airport to, for the first time, spend summer vacations at home, Gerard did not know. The last time they’d talked to each other had been over two weeks ago and he didn’t seem to show much interest in knowing what she was going to do once college was over, so she didn’t bother telling him.  
  
Thanks to her new job, that paid her significantly better than the previous one, Jordan was now able to spend the next month away from London, but the fact that she and Gerard were not on the best terms made her staying a lot less appealing.  
  
Once she arrived home, after all her luggage had been brought upstairs to her room, Jordan stood in the middle of it, not really knowing what to do next. And for the first time she realized, that since she’d left to go study abroad, the only friends she’d kept there were Mikey and Gerard.  
  
“Jordan” Her mother’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. She was suddenly by the door and Jordan hadn’t even realized it. “I need to go shopping. Do you need anything?”  
  
“No -” Jordan hesitated for a second. “Actually, I think I’m going with you.”  
  
That earned her a raised eyebrow. “Aren’t you going to meet your friends?”  
  
“No.” Jordan exited her room, followed by her mother.  
  
“What’s wrong? Are you mad at them?”  
  
“No,” she repeated, knowing she wasn’t exactly lying. She was only mad at Gerard.  
  
“Melody…” Her mother pressured, using her middle name that she knew Jordan hated.  
  
“Everything’s fine mom, trust me.” She made sure to stare into her mother’s eyes. “I just want to spend some time with you first; I’ll go meet them later.”  
  
Her mother didn’t seem very convinced, but grabbed her car keys and followed Jordan, both of them leaving the house.  
  
Almost two hours later, they were home again. Jordan was helping her mother put the groceries away, but the looks she got from her were starting to get on her nerves. She now clearly knew that something was going on, but didn’t press Jordan to tell her anything.  
  
“I going to lie down for a while,” Jordan said after everything was finally in its place. “I’m tired from the flight.”  
  
She walked upstairs, her mind going back and forth on whether she should or shouldn’t talk to Gerard. She recognized she was being a bit rancorous toward him, after all things between them had been supposedly resolved before she left to London. But to Jordan it didn’t feel like it.  
  
Jordan lay on her bed, her eyes glued on the white ceiling. One year ago he’d flew to London just to be with her. One year ago they had shared a weekend together, just the two of them.  
  
Her eyes started to close. There were days when she regretted all that had happened during that weekend, and there were days when she regretted not taking them further. But everything had changed so much since they’d met, that she no longer knew if things could ever be the way they had been a year ago.  
  
When her eyes opened up again, her father was smiling at her, making her realized she must have been asleep for hours.  
  
“Hi dad,” she spoke in a tired voice. “I missed you.” Her father hugged her.  
  
“I missed you too. How was your day today?”  
  
“Good, it feels good to be back home.” She used her fingers as a comb to pull her hair back into a ponytail. “Is it time for dinner, already?” Her father nodded. She followed him downstairs, smiling as the smell of her mother’s food reached her nostrils. That was one of the things she had missed the most.  
  
Dinner had been quiet, with the usual questions about college popping every now and then and Jordan talking about a few of the courses she was taking. However there was an exchange of looks between her parents that was starting to annoy her. Like if her mother had told her father about her lack of interest in seeing Gerard or Mikey.  
  
“What?” Jordan suddenly snapped, getting tired of all the secretive looks.  
  
“Your mother told me you didn’t go to see your friends today.”  
  
Jordan rolled her eyes at him. “And what’s the problem with that?”  
  
“I know it’s none of our business, but you haven’t seen them for half a year. I’d expect you to want to see them first thing you arrived.”  
  
“You’re right; it’s none of your business.” She got up and left to her room.  
  
 ****

*******

  
  
Jordan stretched her arms and smiled lazily. The house was silent and for the first time in a long time she didn’t have to worry about school or work. She could sleep all day if she wanted to.  
  
Slowly getting out of bed, she stumbled downstairs. No one was home; both her parents had left for work a long time ago and she had the whole house just to herself for most of the day.  
  
Heading toward the kitchen, she grabbed a plate of food her mother had left her for lunch and decided to eat it while watching tv on the couch.  
  
After a while of flipping through channels, without anything worth watching on any of them, Jordan decided to face the boring task of organizing all the things she had brought from London, knowing her mother would be angry with her if she didn’t do it.  
  
She had just stepped into the shower when her mother’s voice echoed inside the house, announcing her arrival. Jordan walked downstairs to greet her, her hair still wet and a brush on her hand.  
  
“Hi sweetie.” Her mother smiled as Jordan planted a kiss on her cheek. “How was your day?”  
  
“Great, it felt good to sleep in.” Her mother chuckled. “How was yours?”  
  
“Oh you know.” She shrugged. “It’s work.”  
  
It was Jordan’s time to chuckle. “Oh, in case you’re wondering, I’m getting ready to go to Gerard and Mikey’s house.” She eyed her mother.  
  
Her mother simply smiled, disappearing into the kitchen. “I might be home late!” She yelled, hoping to get some sort of reply, but only more laughter reached her ears.  
  
As Jordan parked her car in front of the white house, she was certain that this was the right decision. If she really wanted to be the bigger person, she needed to show that everything was okay. That there were no hard feelings about anything.  
  
Jordan knocked on the door and waited a few moments before it opened.  
  
“Jordan?” The surprise on his voice was as evident as the smile on his lips.  
  
The commotion inside the house made her eyes wander away from him. “Hey Mikey.”  
  
“I thought you were in London! Gerard didn’t tell me you were coming home this summer.”  
  
“He doesn’t know,” she shrugged, deciding to ignore the questioning look on his face.  
  
“I thought I’d heard your voice!” An excited voice echoed from down the foyer.  
  
“Hi, Mrs. Way.” Jordan waved.  
  
“Oh come on, you know it’s Donna.” She smiled brightly and caught her in an embrace. “The boys didn’t tell me you were back from London.”  
  
Jordan exchanged a look with Mikey, but neither answered his mother’s remark.  
  
“Well, where are your manners, Michael?” She gestured for Jordan to come inside. “You should stay for dinner.”  
  
“No, thanks.” She smiled politely.  
  
“I insist. Besides, Grandma’s visiting today, I’m sure she would like to see you too.”  
  
Jordan shared another look with Mikey. She really didn’t want meddle in their family dinner. She was not family.  
  
“Yeah, Grandma asked about you the last time she was here,” Mikey claimed, pressuring her to finally accept.  
  
Jordan had only met their grandmother once or twice. She was a petite woman, with the warmest smile and the kindest eyes she’d ever seen, which wrinkled pleasantly when she smiled. A smile she saw once she walked inside the house and then into the dining room, being greeted with such a tight hug she thought she would pop.  
  
They talked for a while, mostly about her college and London, with Mikey and his father occasionally taking part in the conversation.  
  
“Hum, Mikey? Where’s Gerard?” Jordan asked after his father and grandmother had disappeared into the kitchen, leaving them in charge of setting the table.  
  
“He must be on his way from New York.” There was a quick glance at Jordan before he continued. “Katherine is coming, too.”  
  
Jordan nodded. She had almost forgotten about her. Well, not exactly, but since she hadn’t been mentioned in any of Gerard’s phone calls she wondered if they were no longer together. After all they still were.  
  
“So, he’s been working until this late every day?” She tried to take the conversation in another direction. Maybe he’d just been too busy to call her every day. If he always worked until this late, by the time he left Jordan would be probably already asleep, due to the time zone difference. Maybe that was the reason.  
  
“What? No.” The confused look on Mikey’s face quickly told her that that was not the reason. “He was actually fired last week. Wait, he didn’t tell you? He’s not living here anymore, he lives with Katherine now.”  
  
Jordan didn’t know what to say. She had the impression she was staring back at Mikey like a deer caught in the headlights, forcing her brain to send impulses to her mouth to move.  
  
“Oh,” she finally murmured, her eyebrows drawn together in the most perplexed expression Mikey had ever seen. “When did he move out?”  
  
“I’m not sure, maybe a month ago or so.”  
  
“Oh,” she repeated, mentally slapping herself for how embarrassing her reaction turned out to be. “Wait, you said he was fired? Why?” She suddenly realized Mikey hadn’t explained the reason.  
  
A knock on the front door made him stop before he could even start to explain, apprehensive eyes swinging from Jordan to the source of the sound. “It must be them.”  
  
 _Oh hell, this was going to be interesting._


	13. All Over Again

If there was a look able to evoke surprise, anger and pain, all at the same time, Gerard had just given it.  
  
Katherine, who was by his side, started talking, the words leaving her mouth but not reaching Jordan’s ears. She was still too busy studying Gerard’s reaction.  
  
“What are you doing here?” His voice did reach her ears.  
  
“Well, hello to you too.” Jordan offered him a snarl.  
  
Mikey meddled in. “She’s having dinner with us; she arrived from London yesterday, right?”  
  
She nodded. The tension in the room was palpable and thickening by the second and he was visibly uncomfortable with it, while Katherine was still completely clueless. She wondered if Gerard had ever told her how close they were. Or used to be.  
  
“It’s nice to see you, Jordan.” Katherine took a step forward, probably in an attempt to look friendly and give her a hug, but Jordan didn’t move.  
  
“You didn’t tell me you were coming home.” Gerard crossed his arms.  
  
 _There are a lot of things you don’t tell me either_ , Jordan bit her tongue, allowing his remark to go unanswered. Her anger had already started to seethe.  
  
Just on cue, their grandmother appeared from the kitchen, her voice loud and laced with excitement as she greeted Gerard and Katherine. The tension was slowly dissipated as their parents joined them and everybody sat at the table.  
  
Jordan tried hard to seem unfazed by Gerard’s attitude; all she wanted was for that dinner to end as smoothly as possible, so that she could talk to him in private afterward.  
  
But that was something Gerard didn’t seem to be interest in. After taking the seat right in front of Jordan, the first ten minutes of the meal seemed to be spent with him giving her death glares and ignoring every attempt Jordan did to participate in the casual conversation that flowed around the table.  
  
Mikey, who was sitting by her side, was now not the only one who realized that something between them was wrong. His mother glanced at Gerard, than at Jordan, before holding up her hand to interrupt Katherine mid sentence.  
  
“What’s wrong with you two?”  
  
Blood reached Jordan’s cheeks faster than she expected. She didn’t want anyone else to know that things weren’t as they used to be between them, but her mother had seemed to catch it right away.  
  
“Nothing’s wrong.” Jordan didn’t say another word about it and expected Gerard to do the same, but of course he didn’t.  
  
“Yes, everything’s great actually.” He suddenly turned to his brother. “Thanks for inviting her for dinner, Mikes. If it wasn’t for that I might have never found out she was back from London.” His unusually calm tone ignited fury in Jordan’s gut.  
  
Every single person at the table stared at him. The heat that crept up Jordan’s face was starting to become visible on her cheeks. Suddenly, she just wanted to get up and leave that house, but still she took a breath and kept on enjoying the meal. Or at least trying to.  
  
No one else said a word either, only the looks on their faces giving proof of how uncomfortable things had become.  
  
There was this turmoil of emotions inside of her. On one hand she wanted to slap him again, she wanted to scream at him and most of all she wanted to ask why was he being so immature around her. But then there was this other side of her, that couldn’t help but miss him and wanted to forget everything, even what was happening just now, so that everything could be perfect between them once again.  
  
After dinner was over, Jordan offered their mother her help to clean up, but she refused, giving Jordan a worried look before walking into the kitchen. Their grandmother followed her and soon so did their father, leaving the four of them alone.  
  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t -” Mikey sighed desperately once Gerard and Katherine walked out of the room. “I thought everything was okay between you two.”  
  
Jordan was sorry too. “I don’t know how things got this way, everything has changed so much that he doesn’t even seems like the person I’ve met two years ago. I think I should go now, I’m going to say goodbye to your parents and your grandmother.”  
  
After a couple of minutes she was by the front door, about to leave when Gerard decided to appear.  
  
“Leaving already?” He crossed her arms and studied her, as if trying to pry into her brain. “Were you planning on disappearing just like you’ve appeared, without saying a word?”  
  
“Gerard,” Katherine hissed, now standing behind him. Even she was starting to get annoyed by his childish attitude.  
  
“That’s okay.” Jordan finally decided to give him what he deserved. “I know I didn’t tell him I was coming home, but why would I?” This time she faced Gerard. “It’s not like he would tell me anything about his life either. I didn’t even know he had moved out of his parents’ house.” She let out a dry laugh, her eyes swinging back to Katherine. “And guess what? Remember when we first met in December? He had never told me about you before that. During all those phone conversations we had, I don’t know why, but he never mentioned you, not even once.” She gave Gerard a once over before turning to face Mikey. “Thanks for inviting me.”  
  


*******

  
  
Jordan woke up the next day feeling more tired than when she had fallen asleep. Gerard was taking away her ability to have a nice night’s rest, mainly because her mind kept on wondering why he was being so immature and stupid.  
  
When she left her bedroom and went downstairs, her parents had already left for work. She was back at being alone at home without a thing to do and no one to talk to.  
  
She watched cartoons for a while, switching then to a documentary and after a while, back to the cartoons. Those were the times when she missed the days she and Gerard used to hang out together. She hated being alone.  
  
Jordan was engrossed in a show that was premiering on tv, when she heard someone knock at the door. Her face frowned, part of her already knowing who was at the door and not wanting to answer it.  
  
“Hey Jordan.” Gerard showed her a half smile when the white door opened. Jordan didn’t reply. The look on her face only showed boredom. “I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I shouldn’t -”  
  
“Is this going to be a thing now?” Jordan interrupted him, crossing her arms.  
  
He was taken aback by the way she spoke to him. “What?”  
  
“This. Fighting and getting mad at each other so that you can come to my house and apologize for something you’re clearly not sorry of?”  
  
“Do you think I want to fight with you? I wasn’t the only one at fault.”  
  
“Sorry? I don’t owe you any kind of explanation. You’re not my father, my brother or my boyfriend.” The last word she spoke made her avoid his eyes. “We’re just friends. I’m not obliged to tell you everything about my life and neither are you.”  
  
He stood in silence for a while, maybe taking in what she had just said, maybe trying to figure out what to say. Either way, she didn’t want to find out.  
  
“Goodbye, Gerard.” The words left her mouth slowly, before she turned around and disappeared into her house, closing the door on his face.


	14. Strangers

**July 17th 2000**  
  
The silence inside the bookstore made Jordan almost feel at home. It was one of her favorite things about that place, that and the person who worked there.  
  
“Hey Mikey.” Jordan rested her arms on the counter, smiling at the boy on the other side of it.  
  
Mikey smiled back, handing the change to the costumer standing next to Jordan.  
  
“May I help you?” Mikey asked once the costumer walked away, his voice a mocking courtesy.  
  
“Actually, yes.” She took a folded piece of paper from the back pocket of her black jeans, revealing a long list of books.  
  
“Wow, those are a lot of books.”  
  
“And these are just for my Shakespeare core course.” She grinned. “Do you have any of these?”  
  
“Let me check.” He typed the name of the first book on the computer and proceeded to scout the shelves.  
  
“So…” Jordan started, following him around as he went back and forth, placing the books he found on the counter and going back to examine the shelves. “How’s your brother?”  
  
The question made him stop. "I was hoping I could figure that out now that you're back in town." He placed a large book on the counter. "But since our last encounter I've realized that he hasn't been that friendly with you either." Mikey sighed. "I thought you were still good friends."  
  
"So did I." Jordan stood by the counter as he kept on looking for the books on the list. It had been almost two weeks since Gerard had been at her doorstep, apologizing to her, and that had been the last time she'd seen him.  
  
"This is all we have." He placed a fourth book on the pile in front of Jordan.  
  
“That’s fine. I’ll get the rest in London.”  
  
Jordan said goodbye to Mikey and had just started to walk away when she heard him call her name.  
  
"Yes?" She turned around and fixed the weight of the books on her arms.  
  
“The band is getting together tomorrow for practice, would you like to come? Maybe you could give us your opinion on how we sound so far.” He smiled widely.  
  
She looked down at the books, trying to decide what to answer him.  
  
“You’ve already met Ray and Matt.” He added, only trying to make her feel more comfortable about the idea, but that was not the problem.  
  
“Well, Gerard’s going to be there, right? I’m not sure I should go, I don’t want to intrude.”  
  
“You won’t be, and you’re my friend too. Besides it will be cool to play for someone for a change.”  
  
“Okay, then.” Jordan nodded, deciding to force herself not to think about how she would feel once she and Gerard got face to face again.  
  


*******

  
  
Mikey had given the address to what she had learned now to be a rehearsal studio. She had always imagined them practicing in a garage or a basement, but it looked like they were more professional than that after all.  
  
Jordan smiled as she parked her car. She was excited to hear them play, she really wanted to know how they sounded like, but there this weird sensation on her stomach, almost like as if she wanted to throw up, which she knew it was attributed to the fact of knowing that soon so would Gerard be there. Things were not okay between them and she had made the point of not wanting to fix them either, so know she felt somewhat afraid of what his reaction would be when he saw her.  
  
"Hey there." She heard Mikey and turned around, watching him take his things from his car. He led her inside the studio and into the rehearsal room, where both Ray and Matt already awaited for them.  
  
She greeted the two boys and examined the room for a few seconds. It wasn't big and the fact that with was filled with wires and amplifiers and other music gear she didn't know the name of, almost made it look cramped. The two chairs against the wall offered the only place to sit on that room, so she took a seat in one of them, watching Mikey tune his bass.  
  
"When is Gerard coming?" Matt directed his question to Mikey.  
  
"He told me he would be late, but he should be almost here." His voice was replaced by the sound of Ray's guitar.  
  
The minutes passed, the sound of several instruments being tuned and plucked and occasional chatter between the four of them filling the time. Gerard was now almost half an hour late, and despite the fact of not wanting to, Jordan couldn't help but worry. She was almost certain that his delay was no one else's fault but his, that nothing wrong had happened and that he just wasn't answering to his brother's phone calls because he was behaving like the jerk he had become in the last few months. But still, a part of her really worried about him.  
  
“I think we should start without him.” Matt suggested, and everybody seemed to agree.  
  


*******

  
  
“So, what do you think?” Mikey asked after they finished playing the second song in a row.  
  
“They’re great!”  
  
“Great?” Mikey frowned.  
  
“Yeah, great.” Jordan shrugged.  
  
“But…?”  
  
“But what?”  
  
“You can’t just say they’re great, that’s not a decent opinion.”  
  
“Yeah, we can handle some constructive criticism,” Ray added and Matt nodded.  
  
“I don’t know…” Jordan thought for a while. “Maybe it’s because it’s because the vocals are missing, but it’s just that… sometimes it sounds like there’s this emptiness. I think it needs more -”  
  
“Depth?” Ray finished for her. “That’s what I’ve been telling them. We should find a second guitarist.”  
  
Mikey gave him a look Jordan couldn’t quite decipher. “It’s much simpler to write songs and jam with just one.”  
  
Matt got up. “Well, maybe. But with more than one guitarist we could be a lot more creative.”  
  
Jordan had to agree with Matt. “Plus, having two guitars sounds so much bigger and badder than just one.” She grinned.  
  
The sound of someone trying to open the door had them all staring at it. From the other side of it Gerard appeared, his face looking like he hadn’t slept in days.  
  
As his hand pushed his hair back, his eyes cautiously averting Jordan’s, he mumbled something similar to an apologize and closed the door behind him. He was surprised to see her there. For a brief moment she had seen it in his eyes, and for an even briefer moment she had seen excitement in them. Jordan smiled.  
  
After that, no more songs were played. Everybody was now focused on discussing the possibility of including another guitarist in the band. Well, everybody except for Gerard. And before she knew it, the two of them where the only ones in the parking lot, with Jordan standing by her car, and Gerard patting his jacket’s pockets in search for his car keys.  
  
Jordan unlocked her car and gave Gerard a glance. “So, how has everything been?”  
  
He seemed to wonder whether to answer or not. “Fine.”  
  
“Just fine?” She could tell that he didn’t want to talk to her, but she ignored it. “Why didn’t you tell me you had lost your job?”  
  
That seemed to make him sick. Surely he didn’t expect her to find out on her own so he knew his brother had told her. Still he chose not to speak.  
  
“He’s just worried about you. And so am I.” Jordan circled her car toward his, where he now stood by, his back facing her. “I’m being honest with you, Gee. I would appreciate if you were honest with me too.”  
  
For a split second, the look on his face transpired his inner struggle. “I’m working on it.”  
  
“Working on what? What happened? Is everything okay?” She took two steps, wanting to close the distance between them, wanting to touch him and make sure he would look at her, but Gerard reacted before she could and opened the driver’s door.  
  
“Do you trust me?”  
  
She blinked at him several times, somewhat confused with his question. “Well, yes. But that’s not the point, I -”  
  
“Then don’t worry about it. I’ll work things out.”  
  
 **July 23rd 2000**  
  
Gerard hadn’t touched a single drop of alcohol for the rest of the whole week, since the last time he had seen Jordan, at the band’s practice.  
  
The truth was that he had been drinking the night before that, with Katherine and some friends, staying out on the street until almost sunrise. When the morning came, he was sound asleep on the living room floor, empty bottles of vodka scattered around him and an equally unconscious Katherine on the sofa.  
  
When the morning gave its way to the afternoon Katherine woke up, took a shower, brushed her teeth, drank a bottle of beer and left the house. Gerard was still lying on the floor.  
  
The loud ringtone coming from his cell phone had been what woke him from his slumber. Getting on his knees, his sight blurry and his mind equally foggy, he had palmed the carpeted floor searching for that infernal device and finding it, only to quickly realize who was calling and why. His brother. The band’s practice.  
  
“Fuck,” he hissed under his breath. He was so fucking late.  
  
But the hammering pain on his head didn’t let him think straight, or walk straight. So what would be the only thing capable of stopping his hangover? Drinking more.  
  
So he downed the stale beer that was resting on the coffee table and finished the last bottle of vodka on his range of sight, finally feeling able to get up and head toward the bathroom.  
  
The drive to the studio had given him enough time to think of an excuse. Earlier that week, he had told Mikey he was probably going to be somewhat late for their rehearsal since he had a job interview. What his brother didn’t know was that he had missed it, so he could always say that it had taken a lot longer than expected.  
  
Gerard was feeling confident when he stepped inside the room, but once his eyes caught sight of the blonde girl sitting and talking to Matt, it had almost felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. Four set of eyes turned to him. He knew what to say, his excuse was a convincing one, but now he just couldn’t.  
  
They didn’t stay much longer and Gerard thanked for that. He had been already doing his very best not to puke, let alone being able to sing or have a decent conversation.  
  
It was only after everybody had left that Jordan decided to speak to him. He didn’t expect that. Nor did he expect to feel the guilt seeping through, the pressure of the flood growing against the walls he had put up around himself. He couldn’t help but see, acknowledge and take in the way he had really hurt her.  
  
And he swore to himself never to drink again.


	15. Back To Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update this! I've had a lot of things going on during summer vacations and then I had to write and rewrite this chapter a few times... I'm still not completely happy with it, but I hope you guys like it.

**August 18th 2000**  
  
To wake up at two in the afternoon had become regular for Gerard. Still without a job, and with Katherine now working, loneliness and boredom often consumed him, a mix that along with the desire to drink didn’t help him to get through with the days.  
  
It had been one month since the last time he had drunk and one month since the last time he had seen Jordan. Maybe it was time to clean up after the mess he had made and apologize to her. Again.  
  


*******

  
  
Jordan smiled at the bright interior of her mother’s oven. It had been a while since she had baked a cake a today she had felt like venturing herself in the kitchen.  
  
Two loud knocks on the front door echoed through house. “Just a second!” She yelled, swiftly closing the oven with her leg, both hands carefully holding the cake’s pan.  
  
She ran to the front door, opening it with a smile on her still reddened face from the oven’s heat, but a second later that smile was gone.  
  
At first she was struck by the intense sunlight when she opened the door, but the humidity was noticeable was well, giving the hint that a storm was probably brewing. What she didn’t expect was to see Gerard standing on the other side of the door, and by the evident look of discomfort on his face, neither did he seem to have expected to be standing in front of her as well.  
  
She studied him for a second, before any words could be spoken, and she knew immediately something wasn’t right.  
  
“So…” His hands were immediately stuffed in his pockets. “I know I’m going to sound like a broken record, but I’m sorry.” His smile was only barely visible and it accentuated the dark circles under his eyes even more.  
  
“About what?” Jordan leaned against the door frame. Part of her wanted to forgive him simply because he looked tired and frustrated, but the other part wanted him to learn his lesson.  
  
“About everything I’ve said and done, I really wanted us to be friends again before you head back to London, which I know will be in a few days, right?”  
  
“So are you going to tell me now what happened? You can’t just start to ignore someone or be mean because you feel like it, I know you’re not like that, so what happened?”  
  
He thought about telling her truth, about using the same excuses he had used last time or blaming it on Katherine. The last one wouldn’t be right, the second wouldn’t make her happy and the first one would devastate her, so he choose to remain silent.  
  
Jordan sigh seemed to made him come out of his thoughts and when he looked up she was no longer in front of him, a crack of the door however still open and the smell of something baked with cherries now reaching his nose.  
  
Gerard was about to peek inside when Jordan appeared again, holding a small piece of paper on her hand and a somewhat doubtful look on her face.  
  
“I’ve found this is one of my father’s newspapers.” She handed him the paper and he immediately recognized it as being a job advertisement. “I know, you’ve already told me that you don’t need my help, but -” she stopped herself and shrugged. “I know you’ll do the right thing.”  
  
“Thanks.” The reply left Jordan somewhat surprised and for the first time since the beginning of their conversation, she smiled. A fat drop of rain hit Gerard’s shoulder and he knew it would rain before he could reach home. “Well, I should get going.” He turned to start walking toward his car.  
  
“Do you like cherry cake?” Jordan asked out of the sudden, making Gerard turn to face her. “I’ve just made one, maybe you’d like to come inside.”  
  
**September 6th 2000**  
  
“And this, of course, will be only the first part. We’ll also introduce you to approaches from within stylistics and discourse analysis, and the ways in which specific linguistic choices create variations in style and meaning, the way in which linguistic choices can be evaluated from different theoretical positions. Some of the topics include Critical Discourse Analysis, Marxist and feminist perspectives on language, and intertextuality.” Dr Richard Allan, Jordan’s new professor, spoke calmly. He presented himself as a relaxed person and she immediately thought of him as a nice person.  
  
The professor, in his mid fifties, kept on talking about the course, about the books they had to buy and how they would be evaluated, but Jordan wasn’t really paying attention anymore. This would be her last year before she graduated and, although excited, nervousness and doubt also assaulted her. She felt like in a crossroad, part of her wanting to stay in London after graduating and another part of her really wanting to go back to New Jersey and maybe find a job in New York. Would she choose to live the life she had envisioned for herself, or compromise in order to retrieve the person that she cared the most?  
  
**December 21st 2000**  
  
Jordan always preferred the winters in London to the ones in New Jersey, but spending Christmas away from her family, and Gerard and Mikey, was out of question. It was not like everything had become perfect again, her interactions with Gerard over the last four months had been summed to a few phone calls, and those could be counted on the fingers of both hands. Still, they were enough to make her happy, knowing now that he had found a job, not the one Jordan had told him about, and that he was no longer dating Katherine.  
  
The latter hadn’t been told by Gerard himself, but by his brother, who had phoned her quite often during the time she had been in London. Of course she had played her part and had acted like she was sorry to hear about it, but she was relieved. It was not that Katherine wasn’t a good person, Jordan just didn’t know her enough to be sure of that and she, in Jordan’s opinion, had been the one to drive Gerard away from her. So of course she wasn’t jealous. Just relieved.  
  
Brown boxes filled her parent’s living room, in an attempt to finish decorating the entire house for Christmas before all the relatives would arrive. In a couple of hours she would see Gerard and Mikey again and finally meet Claire, the girl Mikey had talked about on most of his phone calls to her and that was now his girlfriend. Jordan was trying to be excited about it, she really wanted to, but another subject kept on nagging her mind. One of her professors had offered her a job, an internship in her publishing company when she graduated, and she really didn’t know what to do. Did she really want to stay away from her friends and build a life in London?


End file.
